Hey was up I’m 17 and my cousin is also 17. He is a gang member. He also has a lady from the same gang and I was wondering how I can help him get away from the gang life because many people have tried to accuse him for things that he doesn’t do. Since the age of 14 he is been in and out of the hall. I want to help him before he hits county and he does something that he will regret for the rest of his life. I will really appreciate if you can tell me what I can do to help him get away from everything before he does something stupid.
Thank you- Maribel
Maribel,
Have you tried sitting down with your cousin and letting him know how you feel. This would be a great start. Let him know how worried you are about him and you don't want to see anything happen to him. Inform him that if he continues to run around these people the accusations what he didn't do will not only continue, but may possibly worsen.
Here is an example: I was accused of doing something which I did not do - that placed me in a position of where I was looking at doing five years in prison. I was lucky the charges were dropped against me. I was also blamed for doing other things I had nothing to do with, but only because of the people I chose to associate with. For every bad act they did, can you guess who was blamed for it? Yes, me. You see, even if I wanted to - I can't blame them for what I willingly did. It was my fault for not learning from my mistakes.
Maribel, your cousin is at a point in his life where if he doesn't open his eyes something bad will happen. He can make all the promises in the world to you, nothing is going to happen to him. But, the bottom line is, if he does not get away from these people, he will regret it for the rest of his life.
I don't know where you are from, but you may want to look in the phone book and see if there are any prison ministries in your area. A great deal of these ministries (if not all of them) are dedicated to pointing people in the opposite direction of where they are headed. What makes it effective, are those doing the ministering - which are usually people who are former gang members themselves. If you can't find any such thing, why don't you invite him to church? I'm sure there is a Christian church in your area, you could attend to. In fact, another good idea would be to talk to the pastor of the church, and explain your situation; I'm sure he would be willing to sit down with you and your cousin and counsel.
Your cousin should listen to you, especially after all that you are willing to do for him. Your letter alone should be enough to convince him of how much you truly care for him. Whatever you do, don't give up. The Apostle Paul said it best - and that is Love never fails.
My prayers are with you Maribel, that you will be successful. Take great care of yourself.
Sincerely - Willard B.
California
Well Maribel,
Your cousin is lucky to have you around his life but he just doesn't know it yet. Sometimes is hard to help someone especially if that person is being hard headed but it's not impossible. Your cousin needs guidance because he's headed in the wrong direction. I advise you to try to find a former gang member to help you out with him because it's nothing better to find someone who went through the path he's going through right now and if you can't, just keep talking to him about choices and consequences. You know sometimes people have to learn the hard way because they refuse to listen. I would hope that your cousin will not be one of those people.
Edwin T.
New Jersey
Dear Maribel,
Try to bring your cousin to the this website so that he can read what is written and get a better understanding of what there is to be read. He will come to understand that he is not alone and feel a little bit more comfortable, knowing he can relate to individuals in the inside, people who have been there and done that, people who have lived what he is living! Your cousin will only fall into the web of county jail if he holds in everything that he is holding in! He is blessed to have you as a cousin – someone who cares and is seeking advice to help him! It does not help to be accused of everything that happens. It’s like people just looking for an excuse to try and ruin his life! I know what he is going through but, don't know what it’s like to have someone try and help! So Maribel, bring him to this website and believe me, he will see life in a more important perspective and take a second look at the lifestyle he is living! He and you can work together on this!
Jerry
California
Maribel,
At 17 you should be focused on your future. The way to help your cousin is to help yourself. The world is divided between the winners & the losers. You must decide which you will be. To lose is to become idle & drift through life with no real aim or purpose. To win you must act decisively in the pursuit of your own dreams. As a wise man once told me, "damn the course that others take, find your own way." That advice has kept me out of a lot of sh---t. Let your cousin go his way & you find the way that leads you to the things you desire.
James C.
New Jersey
Dear Maribel,
I think one of the biggest things you can tell your cousin is that at 17, if he gets arrested for something serious he has a real good chance of getting charged as an adult, especially since you said he already has a juvenile record. That is before he is 18, after he turns 18 there won't be any “maybe” involved, he will get charged as an adult. Since being in a gang has gotten him locked up a few times before turning 18, he should be able to see the pattern. The bad part is the sentences are a lot longer and the places you get sent to are a lot worse. Those juvenile places will look like country clubs compared to the adult prisons. Most of these places keep you locked in a cell for all but a few hours daily.
For people in gangs they have special lockup units were guys come out even less, like once every few days and you can stay in this status for years at a time. There are other things like visits with glass separating you from your visitor on a once a month basis and limited to immediate family only; no writing to anyone except immediate family. This is the real deal of what can happen. The odds are real good that is exactly the way his future will go, if he continues. I wish you the best of luck in convincing him. There are a lot of guys in here that got themselves into situations just like he is doing and are in here for the rest of their lives without a way to do anything to change that. The best advice I can give is to tell him to use common sense and try to see he can have a future instead of a dead end.
Sincerely - AL R.
New Jersey
Maribel,
Concerning your cousin, I could understand your feelings and your worries. But in life we all go through phases where we need recognition and want to belong to something. Your cousin is going through a phase where he feels that he belongs to somebody and he is important, not thinking that by being a part of a gang, it could destroy his life and the life of his girlfriend.
My advice to you is to really sit down with your cousin and ask him what he really wants out of life. There is so much more in life than being a gang member. Tell him that he has to find out what he really wants out of life, what are his desires, his dreams, his goals and purpose, because no one wants to be a gang member as a career, when all it will get you is to die or to go to prison.
Tell him he has to find himself, to get in touch with himself and his dreams, that everything could be possible if he really wants it, but he has to be determined on his dream. Tell him to be himself, to find his own identity, not to be a follower – that he is much more than what he thinks he is, that he has hidden talents that he doesn’t know about unless he tries to do something different. Tell him that he could be anything he wants to be, that anybody could be a gang member and take orders but it takes a real man to be responsible.
Maribel, talk with him every day. Invite him to go with you and his girl to different places, to do different things, positive things, to enjoy the beautiful things of life – fishing, swimming, sports, dancing movies, library, roller skating. Get him to get his mind away from his friends and gang members. Also talk to his girlfriend. Ask her what she wants five years from now, to go to prison or visit him in a cemetery?
Tell him to concentrate on his education because without that he won’t get far in life, and to really think about the consequences of being a gang member.
But Maribel, stay on top of him and communicate with him until he changes. Don’t give up on him. Keep trying to change him. It’s very hard to change and a lot of people are really scared of change so be persistent with him, OK?
Nothing in life is easy Maribel, but you could do it. Here are the ingredients:
1 cup of consistency
2/3 cup of humbleness
1/2 cup of dedication
110% belief in God
All these things mixed together make the impossible possible. So I wish you the best in life. And always remember; never be scared to find out anything that has to do with you and your loved ones.
God bless you and your family.
Frank
New Jersey
Hey, one of my homegirls kicks it with hella wannabe G'z. I am not into that, due to the respect I have for myself and the respect I have for my uncle that was in a gang and got killed, he told me not to be into that because of what can/will happen. I tell my homegirl the same thing he told me, but she swears she doesn't claim, and she tells me that she doesn't care and that she's still going to hang out with them... besides preaching what can I do? Should I keep trying to get it through to her head that being in a gang and kicking it with gangs is stupid? Or should I watch as she messes up her life?
Adriana
Adriana,
Your willingness to try and help your friend see the light really shows in the letter you wrote. You are a great friend for even wanting to help out with her life, and shame on her for not realizing this. Even if you wanted to, I personally don't think you would sit around to watch her mess up her life - because of how much you care for her. I wish I had more friends like you when I was growing up, because I could have used them.
There is one thing that I'm curious about. Why would she say she doesn't care? I think she should care! Hanging around a bunch of people like this, is going to get her nowhere fast. What is it going to take for her to open her eyes, and see that what she is doing is the worst thing anyone in life could possibly do? Life is far too precious a thing to just waste, and it is not like you have extras to spare.
Let me tell you about a true gangster. He will never tell you to ruin your life and join a gang. That decision is done on your own. If anything, he will show you just how much trouble it can get you. But most of all, he will tell you life is something that shouldn't be wasted, on being foolish - which is why education is so important. Becoming a doctor, a lawyer, a scientist - is not something just anyone can become. He or she has to apply himself to the studying that is needed to achieve these kinds of degrees. The payoff in the end is a great one!
Becoming a "gangsta", doesn't take a degree in rocket science. I would say 90% of the people I have met in prison, wish they had done something with their life, such as stay in school. The majority of the time people don't realize that they should have done better for themselves, until it is too late. But as the old saying goes, "We learn from our mistakes."
Adriana, you know your friend better than anyone - I'm assuming. What is it that you guys like to do together as friends? Invite her to lunch and have a discussion with about what she's doing. Let her know how much you care for her, worry about her life, and most of all, don't want to see anything happen to her. A true friend would not go out of their way to do such a thing, and I hope you are able to get her to see what is in front of her - a great friend.
You will be in my prayers, that you are successful in all your efforts. Take good care of yourself.
Sincerely - Willard B.
California
Adriana,
Hey there beautiful! Well, I’m going to answer your question of concern for your homegirl. First, let me break this wall between us. I’m name is Jesse, I’m 17 years of age, and I’m in YA for being a down-ass vato. But now I’m a somewhat changed man, trying to help people not do the same mistake I did. Well enough about all that baby girl, let me get to your question. Well look, you already tried to talk to her about your wisdom about the stupid gangs, and let me tell you that all you could do with hard-headed people, you just have to let your homegirl learn from the mistake she is doing, but just pray and ask God to watch over her. Well I got to go to the next question, so adios y que Dios te bendiga.
Your friend - Jesse P.
California
I have at least five cousins involved in gangs; one of them is from a rival gang. Every time I bring up the subject of getting out of the gang it’s always, “That's for rankers. We’re always gonna be down.” All I'm saying is “help.” I love them and I don't want them to end up serving life for a lost cause.
Dear friend,
Your loving concern for your cousins’ lives is a great blessing for your family, because many family members don't seem to care enough anymore. On the other hand, don't give up on them! Continue to warn them about the many consequences of gang life. Expose the truth by giving them examples of those who have lived it and suffer for it. One good example is the prison gang life. In prison, you don't have to be a ranker in order to be considered one. If a gang member who runs with a particular group or race messes up, he is considered "no good," which is another word for ranker, leva, chavala, etc. The only thing this individual messed up on was a certain inmate prison rule, and not because he was afraid to do something for their lost cause. (Owing drug money, not doing the evil you are asked to do, and many other frivolous rules can make an individual "no good.") Prison politics is like a game of chess. You got your pawns and many other players higher in rank. Nobody cares who you are or where you're from; it's how well you play the game. I've heard many stories of hard-core prison soldiers considered no good all because they messed up once or twice. The longer you've been incarcerated, the more you know and the higher the responsibility to abide by their rules. Gang life is not fun, whether in prison or on the streets. Gangs are a one-way ticket to destruction and many suffer ignorantly in its consequences. It’s not enough to know about it, you must turn away from it in disgust of its evil and painful life. It takes more courage to turn away from gang life than to abide in it.
You can also help your cousins by giving them some good-old-fashioned tough love! What I mean is, don't give them any money for their drugs, alcohol, guns, baggy clothing or any other thing that contribute to their lost condition. I'm not saying not to help them when in need; you just need to know where your help is going. Continue to remind them that you love them and care for their lives, and give them the reasons for your tough-loving actions towards them. In their blindness, they will not like it and may not like you for it either, but in time they'll get over it when they see you standing firm in your decision. I know you will need some help, guidance, strength and comfort as you take on this very difficult task. Remember, you can always call on Jesus! He is always available 24-7, never too busy for you, and is waiting for you to call on Him today. Prayer is the way to talk to God about anything and everything! Open your heart, let Him in, and He will give you His strength, love, peace and courage to accomplish His loving will. I know it's His will to bring you to Him, but he will not impose His will upon yours. If you want to hear from him today, read His message of love in the Bible. He will speak to you through it, believe you me!
May you find some help in these words. I really wish I could do more. Thank you for your question and time. May the Lord bless you and your family by bringing you to His Son, Jesus, who died to pay all our faults (sins against God) so we may have eternal life with Him.
P.S. "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains te whole world and loses his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? Matthew 16: 24-26
In His Service - Al
California
I have a friend who is in gang, actually a lot of friends. They don't understand that it’s not good and it can ruin their life. How can I prove it to them?? Also their friends in their crews don't like me because I'm a prep. Or I mean I dress like one, just don't act like one. What do I do?
This is a difficult question to answer, but I’ll do my best to help out. Ask your friends if they really know the meaning of the words gang or gang member? = Criminal
A career for a criminal is just like any other profession this society has to offer. If you wish to become a doctor, well you study and take one step at a time. Eventually you’ll be a doctor. Same thing for a criminal. We started as juvenile delinquents at Juvenile Hall serving short sentences, from a week to a year … Man, I remember back then they used to put me in lock down or the hole for three whole days. I hated it! Those three days used to look endless to me … Juvenile Hall memories. Now days, it’s a whole different story. I’ve been in the hole since I got arrested back in 1995 - to be exact six years and three months. Anyhow, that’s a different subject.
Then you turn eighteen. That’s when you become an adult … Get ready for county jail. That’s when the courts don’t play around anymore. They might put you on probation but you are a criminal. Probation won’t stop you. Then, after you violated your probation a few times the judge will send you to prison with a short sentence, two to three years. After you finished your first term, those people who run the polls say that 86% of all parolees will come back into the system with a greater charge or crime, which means more time, from seven to fifteen years. That’s if you get lucky. Life sentences are easy to get!
When criminals come inside these prison walls, it’s a different story … Now you’re in the big leagues. This type of environment forces people to change for the good, bad and the ugly. Some choose the Bible which is good if you’re for real, not because you are scared to walk the walk which put you in prison to begin with. Others drop their gangster style to become model inmates. The real criminals will stay foot to their own ways and because of that, oh and for the safety of those model inmates and the cops too, the prison system will place us in this hole without any hope to get out. That’s the future for all criminals … of course, if you don’t get killed before.
As for how you can show your friends or prove it to them, that’s going to be hard. I suggest, well you as a taxpayer have a right to go into any public facility. That includes prisons, county jails, and juvenile halls. With all the paperwork and the right information, they’ll grant you a tour of these places I just mentioned. That way you can take your friends to tour their future house. You can also come to Pelican Bay SHU to see how we live inside this hole without sunlight and no windows.
You can ask the courthouse of your county to let you see how things get done, to hear and see the judge give out sentences to people - “criminals.”
As for those people who don’t like you because you’re prep - don’t worry. They will like you and remember you when they find themselves in jail or prison with no one to call. Alright, hopefully this helps you out.
Good luck - Juan
California
I have a friend named Mike. I care about him a lot and we're really close friends. I know he is in a gang. I have known this for quite some time and I have always told him that it's not worth it and he should try to get out. He told me that it's not that easy. He said he would rather not get out of it because of the "protection" the gang has offered him. How can I help him see that the gang life is not the way to live his life? I do not want to see him end up in prison, or even worse, dead. How can I help him? Please keep in touch with me... and please be the silver lining in my dark cloud.
Thank you - Amy
Thanks for stopping by the web site and as well for asking me for some advice. I am honored and I'll try to be that silver lining on your dark cloud. The situation isn't something new with your friend Mike. People join the gangs for various reasons and if they truly have it in their hearts, they will find a way out. There's always a way. He just doesn't want to let his pride down and lose face with his homies. What you should do is try to show him that there is a lot more to life than trying to be someone hard. There's nothing in that life. It's not even cool anymore. If I could turn back the hands of time, I'd do things so much differently. My advice is to hit him with the truth about the consequences of being a gang member and then tell him all the things that this life of ours has to offer and to not jeopardize it or see it go by in a prison cell or from a cloud above. That's what I think you should do. He's blessed to have a good friend like you and I'd be honored to have you as one as well. Stick to your studies and make the best of life.
Sincerely, M.O.C.
California
Well Amy, First of all, I would like to tell him that there is no such protection. Only God can stop things from happening. If some rival gang member wants him dead or beat up, they will plot on him and it will happen. Being in a gang is irrelevant; it won’t save him. Most importantly I would ask him if he is concerned about something happening to you. This is what could happen if you are caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time. If they can’t get him, they will get those they can like family and friends. If he is a true friend, then his primary concern should be to keep you from harm’s way. He needs to think about the consequences of what could happen as a result of his behavior. Once again there is no such thing as protection. It doesn’t matter if you are out there or in here where it’s a lot worse. I would try to get it in his head that life is too short and precious to waste. He needs to make the best out of his situation and eventually things will work themselves out. He’s still has a chance. I wish someone would have been around to speak to me and give me good advice. I won’t see the streets until the year 2022. At that time I will be 50 years old. This does not include the possibility I may get a hit (which means additional time before I can see the parole board again). You’re absolutely correct; gang life only leads to prison or death. Neither is a good option. I believe that for some scare tactics are effective, such as being exposed to viewing of dead gang members, crime scenes where gang members are savagely murdered, gang members behind bars, criminal prosecutions of gang members, and a visit to the morgue to identify loved ones. This sounds a bit harsh but extreme situations require extreme measures. Children need to know that joining a gang only leads to pain and suffering for the member and his family. Joining a gang is simply not worth it. Once a life is taken, the only people that suffer are loved ones. There is no coming back, no second chance. And the court feels that you shouldn’t have a second chance either. Society would prefer to put you to death by lethal injection or guarantee that you will never leave prison where you will rot until your death. Is this what any human being wants? Wow! What the future to look forward to! Sadly, for me this is my life. I hope you take heed to what I have said and understand that I live this experience. The same mistakes need not be repeated; take it from me there’s no turning back the clock. This is the reality and there’s no way around it.
Angel
New Jersey
My brother he just got in a gang and I don't want nuthin to happen to him but he wont listen to me. I mean he say they got his back an ain't nuthin gonna happen to him or wateva and then I come on an I read a story about how getting life at 17 and I mean it makes me sad cause I dont want my lil brother to go out like that u know. Well get back at me if u can help me or give me some advice.
Tatyianna
Dear Tatyianna,
May these words reach you when you’re in good health: mentally, spiritually, and physically. I pray that you and your loved ones are not going through any rough times and that, if you are, you may have the love and optimism to pull through the rough together. You spoke about your brother joining a gang and that he feels he’s protected and untouchable.
I’m getting back at you now, in hopes that I can help and the advice that I give comes from looking at my own life. I am not a professional, as you know. Before joining a gang I had problems at home. I knew in a way that my family loved me but they did not know how to express it. So I began to doubt if they really loved me at all - speaking at me and not to me. They would say, “clean your room; don’t walk, talk or dress like that.” It was all commands or corrections, even curses, and rarely if ever did we speak about anything real like what I would like to become in life instead of what I did not want to end up as, specifically a prisoner. I started to lose that loving relationship with my family. I ended up in a psychiatric ward.
The experience was a good one, I got to deal with the problems I had with myself and problems I saw in the way my family treated the each other. I got to speak out all my feelings and felt that I was not left alone to deal with them. I was made to see good qualities I had in myself and started to see a better life for me; I became more optimistic. Then I was released.
At the beginning everything went well with my return home. I was still the person I became in the hospital, happy about life, optimistic about my future, and back in love with my family. Then things started to change. I began to feel like I had before. See, I had changed but my family had not. So the same situations brought out the same feelings and way of thinking in me.
I got into a situation at school and the way I handled it was admired by some guys who were in a gang. They asked me to sit with their group and after some time they initiated me into a gang. I joined it for several reasons, though I see now that it was all a hoax and lies I allowed myself to believe so that I could feel I wasn’t doing anything wrong. One of the reasons I joined was because they spoke of unity and family love. Not getting it at home in a way that I could understand, that made it easier for me to join. Also if I’ve always felt different and misunderstood, that no one could understand me at all; what better thing is there than to join people who felt the same way: that society did not understand them as individuals, as poor ghetto kids and/or Black or Hispanic. Another reason was that they did take any stuff from anybody and I admired people who stood up for themselves; that’s how I saw it when they acted out. The last reason I will mention is that while in a gang I had people that would let me do whatever I wanted to try and not judge me and be there even if I messed up, because they have at one point or another in their lives known what it was like to mess up.
The unity and family love was only if you did and were down with everything they said. Like there was a time when I didn’t want to beat this kid because he didn’t really do anything and was small. They started questioning my loyalty, and every time since then, when they did something, it was like a loyalty test. Didn’t I prove myself before and isn’t that the reason why was initiated? I guess not. If it became a test of who could be the toughest, craziest dog out there, and your competition was your own boys. I wanted to show I was a man and, having no one showing how to become a real man, I followed what the others did - all thinking we were becoming men none actually knowing what a real man was. Our perception was twisted. There was love, and I don’t want to say that everything in a gang is bad. You get some things you’re looking for, like love. That’s why it is so difficult to get someone out.
To get me out someone should have said that yes there is love from your homies is but that’s not the only place where you can get love, and then it gave me examples of other sources. Then they should have helped me realize or helped me find a way to test the gang's love, to show me how it doesn’t compare to the love of your family. Maybe one homie would die for you but many family members would do that. Just because someone holds love for you doesn’t mean they hold your best interest at heart. Now I see that it is more important to have someone who is willing to live for you than to die for you. I feel a lot stronger knowing that I live for myself and my family than wanting to die to prove my love or loyalty.
As for feeling different, every kid goes through that at adolescence, so in reality there’s no difference in that. There are adults who still feel that way. A lot of things happen to a person. Puberty isn’t just growing hair in places you had no hair before; there are lots of psychological and emotional changes as well. Some of us need help through these times and shouldn’t feel like there’s no when we can speak to. The biggest mistake I made was to believe I was alone to deal with every problem by myself or that, that is the way a man should do it. The reality is there are many older people who can understand that feeling, and unlike someone who is the same age, they can give advice to you on how to live through this. This is not to say that older people are better than younger people but only that they have more experience which you can only get with time. One shouldn’t be in a rush to grow up either, but we should always try to be more mature. I was so busy worrying about how others saw me I didn’t take time to see myself. Rarely were the times that I looked at who I was and where I was going, because I didn’t like what I saw when I did. I should have dealt with it and realized that I didn’t have to stay that way and that I could have changed.
I also realize that we weren’t standing up for ourselves, we were bullies. The type of guy I used to hate was now someone I called my homie. How things can get twisted! If I really want it to stand up for myself and the people in the neighborhood I could have gotten an education. I know that sounds weird but when you look at the fact that there are some people who don’t want Black or Hispanic or ghetto people to progress and become better as a whole, what better way to stand up than by doing or getting what they don’t want you to do which is to excel and get an education. There’s a better way to fight the system, the man, or whatever you call it, and that’s by helping each other instead of killing each other, staying ignorant, and making it easier for us to be controlled and kept inside ghettos.
Lastly, thinking that they would be there for me no matter what I did was a joke. The only ones there for me were my family. With time things change. What you feel and think at 11 isn’t what you feel and think when you’re 21. Your thoughts and feelings can change a few times during that time. Well, so does the love your homies claim they have. Parents may not want you to do whatever you want because that would not be preparing your right for the rest of your life. You cannot do whatever you want even as an adult. However, your family will always be there.
My advice is to have your brother speak about what is going on inside him, to speak to you at first if it is more comfortable for him, then to your parents. If he doesn’t want to speak with you at first, then let him know the offer is still open always and that, no matter what he tells you, he is your brother and you love him. If he seems like he doesn’t want to open up after awhile (a week or two) remind him that the offer is still open. Tell your mom, dad, uncle or whoever to make that offer as well and to remind your brother they are there for him. Don’t feel you are alone in helping him. Get as many good people as you can involved. Show your brother people care for him.
Try to find a mentor or someone who can give him direction in life. I know older family members are at times worse off than the kids so get someone outside the family - a friend, pastor or whoever has sincere interest in helping out. Whatever you do is not to give up on your brother ever; the day you do is when he might need you the most and you’ll miss out on the opportunity.
With love and respect - Luis B. Jr.
New Jersey
I am 24 years old and I have a younger sister named Sonya she's only 13 but she looks as though she is 16. She is very pretty but she’s starting to hang with the wrong crowd like a gang at her school. It’s like an all-Hispanic gang. I asked her if she was in it and she told me no but I know at that age I used to hide stuff from my older sister too. But all of a sudden 16 & 17 year old guys are calling for her. Can you give me any advice as to what to do with her? I don’t really think she is telling me the truth and my mom died a while back and I am trying to raise her now.
Thanks - Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Your sister may be acting out of pain from the suffering she has experienced because of your mother’s passing. You need to find out what it is that she is carrying inside her. You do it by sitting down with her and listening. Try not to get upset with her so quickly. Get her to feel that she can sit down and talk to you about anything. Right now she needs someone to talk to.
Best wishes - William
New Jersey
Sweet concerned Lisa,
Tell Sonya that “a loose woman is like a gold tooth in the mouth of a pig.” It doesn’t matter how beautiful she is on the outside, if the mind is filled with corruption, the body will soon follow. If you want to help your sister do better, you must be a better example. Get involved! Don’t just sit back and hurl accusations. Go our and do something positive with your own life and perhaps Sonya will see a new light to help guide her aspirations.
James C.
New Jersey
Dear Lisa,
Hi! I’m presently incarcerated for a serious crime as a result of being with the wrong crowd at the wrong time. I think you should read your sister this letter.
Friends come and go but family lasts your lifetime. Those so-called friends use you until they can’t no longer, and when you wise up and stand up for yourself, they no longer want to deal with you or hear from you. What’s so wrong with making your own decisions or standing up for yourself? If someone doesn’t like the fact that you speak your mind, then part from them, cause they’ll only bring you down to the point that your in jail for life, hooked on drugs for life, or living shameful for life because you weren’t tough enough to stand up to those fake friends. Family only has so much love and patience. Don’t abuse your family. My moms always told me, “Watch who you hang out with,” but I didn’t listen. I’m serving a 50 year life imprisonment for not listening to the advice my family gave me out of love for me. Don’t make the same mistake that I made. When the time comes, say no!
A prisoner
New Jersey
Lisa,
Honesty is everything. You stated that you used to hide things from your sister. Show her that she does not need to hide things from you. Be the sister that she needs you to be. Set aside time that can be shared only by you and her. Do activities that sisters do. Show her that you are there for her, unconditionally. It may take time and patience. When she does share the truth with you, do not get upset with her. That may only make her not share anything else with you. Do not force her. She may be missing something at home that she feels she can find in her friends. Be there for her as a sister would another sister, not as a mother would a child.
Otto S.
New Jersey
Lisa,
My name is Jay. I’m forty-one years old. Almost twenty of those years have been lived in prison.
I have a seventeen year old daughter that I barely know. I asked my mother to take her to an emergency room in the Bronx on a Saturday night, back when she was thirteen years old. I asked her to do that because I wanted my daughter (Jessica) to see the affects of anti-social behavior. Young people today aren’t afraid of violence itself because most of them think it won’t happen to them. So telling them about it does very little. It’s like “in one ear, out the other.” But her actually seeing the results will most likely have a life-long effect.
Getting a break-down of the statistics on gang-related violence and that overall life-style can also assist you. Show her what her chances of surviving that type of life are if she chooses to go down that path. She needs to know that being used and abused is a bad existence.
Last, but not least, show her the better side of life. Try and do something with her that someone else would benefit from. Let her experience the good feeling that comes from doing for others. Give her options that would not otherwise be given to her by her gangster associates. And let her know that you are there for her. Most kids get down with gangs because of lack of attention by family members.
Good luck!!! - Jay
New Jersey
Hi Lisa,
My name is Hector and I hope I could help you because to me family is the most important thing in the world.
That’s one of the problems that we have today, our young kids look like women and they think they could do what they want. Well she is growing too fast and it is hard to stop her but the best thing you could do is talk to her and ask her what she wants. As you know, the only way we can communicate with our loved ones is by talking to them and letting them know that you are the only one that loves her. The best thing you should do is sit down with her and talk to her. Try not to be a sister. Be a friend to her and find out what she likes or what she wants to do.
Lisa, what I think you should do is take your sister for a trip and let her see how much love you have for her because as long as he is hanging around with the wrong crowd, you have got a problem.
As right now the crowd is number one in her mind. Yes she will lie and she will go against you for the crowd. So don’t ask her too many questions. Just let her know that you love her and if she ever needs a friend all she has to do is ask you and you will be there for her.
I think that you and your sister have to go for a trip together. Once you get there, let her talk. Like that you could understand what she is saying.
Listen you are young too and I feel good to see a big sister trying to help her little sister. God bless you and have faith. Don’t ever give up.
Your friend - Hector S.
New Jersey
Lisa,
Hi. My name is Carlos and I read your little note about your sister Sonya. I want you to understand that what your sister’s doing is not out of choice because being 13 we do anything to impress the next person. I’m serving time in State Prison and have a younger brother. I left him when he was 9 years old. He’s 14 and starting to do wrong but the good thing is he’s listening to me. But what matters most to the young is the love and attention you give ‘em. You need to be her best friend. Don’t yell or punish her for her dumb choices but earn her trust and show her you care. Give her guidance. They follow our footsteps. We’re their role models. If you change, they change with you. When you go out to a place she can go, take her with you. If her own sister won’t be her friend, can you blame her for going elsewhere to find it?
Remember Lisa, your words and the love and attention can do more than you think. The best advice anyone can give is to show her you love and care. Give her guidance, meaning show her what she can become and she can be anything she wants. Be her best friend. Put her first before your friends. Earn her trust so she knows she can turn to you and not be punished for her mistakes. Oh, remember one thing more. It takes years to build up trust but only seconds to destroy it.
Carlos G.
California
I have lived life with a gangbanger son for almost 5 years. We have been in and out of court and he is getting ready to return home after his third training school. He is 17 now. Has he changed or do I have to continue to live this life all over again when he does come home??? Everyone talks about this "TOUGH LOVE." Yes I have done it but how much more can I take??? I love my son more than anything in this world but this GANG stuff just takes me. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your time. - Marissa
Marissa,
Does your love have limitations? We cannot always choose the course we desire our children to take in life; however, they need our love and support just as much when they’re non-conforming. We don’t all come up on the right side of life. Some of us struggle in the mud of society before we realize that there is more to life than simply existing. Did you know that non-conformity brings new ideas and new approaches to old problems? Perhaps your son will do something good with his life. Give him a chance to make his mistakes because little mistakes give birth to big improvements. Hang in there!
James C.
New Jersey
Marissa,
My name is Jay. I’m forty-one years old, twenty of which have been spent behind bars.
I am not a big advocate of “tough love.” I think life is tough enough without having to be tough on your loved ones, especially your own kid(s). Knowing your kid has been through three training programs should be enough evidence that tough love is not working.
One of the best ways to change a thug’s life is to change his environment and overall perspective on life. Find out what is important to him, where he wants to see himself in five years. Teach him how to achieve that and be there for him.
Tell him there is a better way by showing him the ugliness that is associated with that lifestyle. Take him to an emergency room on a Friday or Saturday night. Let him read about gang-related statistics. Take him to meet and speak with victims of gang violence. Prisoners are a good resource for this type of guidance. They are living proof of what can happen if bad decisions are made, or hanging around with the wrong element. Beat him down with all the negative that that life employs.
But more than anything talk with him. Let him know that you will always be there for him. Most kids get down with gangs out of loneliness or lack of family attention.
It is obvious that keeping our youths away from a gangster’s life is very hard to accomplish, but we must continue to try. Don’t give up on him. He needs to see that there is more to life than what he sees in the hood.
Good luck!!! - Jay
New Jersey
Marissa,
I cannot tell you that your son has changed his life when he returns home. Many young men learn their lesson after the first time being arrested and held somewhere away from home for a long period of time. Some change after being arrested twice or three times. Then there are those that don’t learn their lesson until they find themselves behind bars for the rest of their lives. That is what you must help him understand. He has been given a gift - going home. Some of us behind the wall will never see the streets again and that’s because we were too blind to see all those times we were given the privilege of going home to start anew. I end with this: Your “TOUGH LOVE” is what will help him change.
Don’t give up, William
New Jersey
Marissa,
My name is Hector and I hope that I can help you and give you some kind of idea to help your son. The problem that we have today is that we don’t look at the law to find out about our kids. The full first time it he got locked up it was nothing because he knew that they were going to let him go, or have him do small bits. But now he is going to be an adult and things are going to change for him so the best thing you should do is sit with him and tell him that things are going to change, because if he gets caught again he is going to do TIME and his friends are not going to be there for him. Now I don’t know how much time they give out there, but in New Jersey they give you a lot of time for anything. Is not about “TOUGH LOVE” because he gets that when he is with his boys. Now is the time to use our mind. I know in my heart that you are a strong and smart woman. Take one day for you and him to go out to the park and talk with him and let him know that this is what you want from him one day.
Life is hard but don’t give up.
Hector S.
New Jersey
Hi Marissa,
Well, sometimes that’s what we need to learn right from wrong until we get it straight. But who knows if he has changed or not. Only he knows. Until you put a stop to all this, that’s when all the things you’re going through, they’ll stop; but like I said, when you put a stop to all this. I think it works when you just push him aside and let him know that you’re tired of his shit. I know it helps because my mom did it to me and my two brothers. That’s why I know. Well, just think about what I said and try it. Maybe it works. Take care and God bless you. I wish you the best in life.
Becky
California
I’m 19 and my brother is only 17 and my boyfriend is in a gang. But they have my brother doing a lot of things he shouldn’t be doing, He’s been in juvenile hall since he was 13 and got out two months ago. Since he’s been out the only time he comes home is when he needs a ride. And my boyfriend is also in the gang but he’s there for us he tries to help my brother out a lot. It’s just too hard for us to let him realize that his gang isn’t everything. Maybe you can give me advice that will help my baby bro out.
Lacey
Dear Lacey,
I read your question many times. I can see you love your brother a lot. What I don’t understand Lacey is if your boyfriend is in the same gang as your little brother is, what makes it OK for him but not for your brother?
I am in no way judging you. I am only trying to understand your feelings on gangs. I wonder if your brother feels that if your boyfriend is in a gang and it’s OK, then it’s OK for him to be in the same gang.
I don’t know what your little brother is getting out of being in the gang. Have you ever asked him what it is he gets out of being a gangster? From what I know of my life as a gangster and what I have seen in the sixteen years I have been in prison, most guys join gangs so they will have a place to belong, so they can feel, if not loved, at least needed and protected. When you’re clicked up, you ain’t alone.
I don’t know what is going on in your brother’s head Lacey, but if you know what he wants or feels like he is missing, then you know what to give him. Sometimes if we know what someone needs, we know how to give it to them.
Rick M.
California
I’m 17. I have a boyfriend who thinks he’s bad in the gang. But I’m 3 months pregnant and he still won’t stop nothing. He’s been locked up before. He’s been sent to boot camp but he don’t care. I don’t know what to do. I love him a lot I’m just scared. There’s been a few times when people who didn’t like him came to my house looking for him saying that they were going to kill him. That kind of stuff scares me.
Michelle
I really do hope that you realize that the only way your child will ever have a promising future is if you give him or her the chance. Gangs and violence will overcome anything unless you make sure it's otherwise. Don't think about yourself, but about your child. If your man wants to be a part of his child's life that bad then he'll change his life around. Unless that happens, you don't need him in your life.
Love - Lupita
California
Dear Michelle,
Hello, mija! My name is Diana. I am an 18 year old woman with a 3 year old son. I would like to help you. I am currently in CYA. I'm away from my son and I miss him dearly. Look, mija, I used to be involved in gangs, and by you staying with your boyfriend when he refuses to calm down is not only risking your own life but your baby's, too. Without his gang he's not bad at all. You need to tell him to choose! Think about your baby, mija. That baby deserves to be safe. OK, I understand you love him but love your baby more! Because when you start to feel that precious child move around inside of you, I hope you feel joy. That child is a part of you. You need to take matters into your own hands and make him choose. Don't let him put you and your baby at risk, because his enemies won't care if you are pregnant. If they want to get to him, they will come after you and that child, and possibly take you both out! Or just the child. Then what? I'm scared for you, baby girl. I don't want you to get hurt! You may think, what can I know, I'm in jail. I know that there's a void in my heart for missing my son, and since you're gonna be a mother, I sympathize with you and I want to help you. If your boyfriend don't care about you and your baby, then go and live with a family member. Man, come live with me at my dad's. I want to help, will you let me? If you can, write back I gotta go. Be strong.
Diana M.
California
Michelle:
I am happy to hear that you are expecting. Your boy friend should be more happier than me. I would advise you to have a serious talk with him, being the fact that you love him. It is no longer about you and him. It is about the baby and his/her welfare. You know you don't want to expose your child to violence and possible death. Give the baby a chance to live, and more so give yourself a chance to watch your baby grow. These are the things that you need to discuss with your boyfriend... "it's time to get real!! Don't you think??
T.
New Jersey
Michelle,
Regarding your question, it sounds as if your boyfriend doesn’t have his priorities straight. I know, at the moment, you may believe you’re in real love, but you’re both so young and have plenty of experiences life is going to bring you. But only you can make that decision if you should leave him. But now you got a baby in your life and people are showing up at your home. You may want to make you and your baby your priorities so you aren’t in danger, or let him know it’s time to get his life on the right track and think of you and the baby now so you may have a family. If it’s not something he can do, then you may want to move on. I wish you the best during your difficult time.
Respectfully - Robert
California
Michelle:
You're about to be a mother. First, it's a responsibility but it's also a blessing and a privilege. Right now your child is #1, you're #2 and your boyfriend has his head up his ass. He's not on the chart.
It's only obvious that he doesn't care and honestly, you don't need him in your life. Not now, not like this. So you have to be strong and cut him loose because he's bad for you and your baby! One day, he'll piss someone off who'll take it out on you. That's the nature of people like that. "No honor." And I'm really afraid you'll end up more than just scared. I don't know you and that frightens me.
I have five sisters. Each one of them had their first child while in their teens. It's hard, Michelle, an uphill battle. But there is hope. Programs like WIC and the church that will offer a helping hand if you want a good life for your baby.
Forget about ol'boy. I'll probably be seeing more of him than you if he doesn't grow up. I don't like preaching, but there is power in prayer. Pray for strength and wisdom. And more than that, love yourself. Love yourself so you can love your baby.
OK now, I'm going to close this. Remember, you can give your baby the world with God.
Sincerely, Pharoah
California
I have a friend that has already committed crimes. He is quite the musician. He has raw talent and is headed somewhere in the right direction. My friend and I both know that gang bangin and entertainment don’t mix. I know that if he had the chance to get out of the lifestyle he has chosen for himself that he would. He is too afraid to be rejected or looked at like the kid who was too scared to stay in a gang, if there are any ideas in how to leave a gang but still stay friends with the people in it (which are some of his best friends) please let me know!
Thank You - Erica
Erica:
I am a musician too. I know what it takes to be a little different. Your friend has been blessed and it really would be a shame to lose his blessings over something like wanting to belong too. Let him know that he already belongs to one of the biggest gangs in the world. He is a musician!! That is an honor to be one. The fact is, we can change the world with music. He needs to know that his friends, if they really are his friends, will understand his passion for music and should encourage him to keep pressing toward the "mark" which is success and happiness. Try to talk with him and encourage him. It really sounds like you’re a good friend. I think you can do it!!
T.
New Jersey
Erica:
First, allow me to commend you on your efforts to reach out to a troubled mind. Believe me when I say your presence alone is a great thing. I myself had someone to guide me right, however, circumstances prevented her from taking a larger role in my life. Had she been able to take more than a passive role, I don't think I'd be here now.
Erica, the thing is, you have to bring more positive people around your friend. Surround him with good people to take the place of his gang. It's true that it takes a village to raise a child, because acceptance is a large part of our lives.
Let your friend know that he has a gift from God, but it won't get him anywhere. Only determination can earn him success. He needs to hear it every day that he has an obligation to share his gift.
As for separating him from the gang, it's easy. Tell him to express his goals to his friends. To surround himself with people his homies would consider lames. To stop wearing baggy clothes so he doesn't stand out. But most of all, tell him that staying in the gang life is the easiest thing to do. It takes no effort to get shot and killed. It's just dumb to commit crimes and come to prison. Each person I speak to in this place agrees. They would have done it different if given the chance, with the exception of a few dumb asses.
It's hard to remain close friends with the homies if you want to better yourself. 'Cause they can be like crabs in a bucket, pulling you back the second you're about to break free. But remaining on speaking terms or friendly is cool.
Yeah, I'm beginning to think they'll look at him differently and even comment that he is weak, but his success will also be the neighborhood's success. The homies that got out while I got in trouble are all role models to me. Today, I hold no hard feelings towards them, and your friend has to know neither will his homies--especially if he does something good.
Erica, you're a special person. Don't give up; you are more powerful than you realize because you care.
Sincerely - Pharoah
California
Erica:
To add to the good advice Pharoah gave, I would suggest that you encourage your friend to look for a church that has a good youth music group or worship team. Often, there are very talented musicians, some even with music industry connections. It's a positive environment, and a way to develop and share his talent. His homies may even want to come to church to hear him play, and who knows, they may hear something, either in the music or the pastor's message, that will touch their hearts and be an instrument for change in some of them?
Another opportunity along the same lines, is to seek out a 3-day faith experience, such as the Catholic "Search" or "Cursillo" weekends, or the Protestant "Walk to Emmaus" weekends. There are others--"Via de Cristo", "Chrysalis", etc--that are similar. You can find information by doing an online search of each of the weekends. Besides being loads of fun, each has music as an integral part of the ministry to the attending candidates and is a way to form close connections with positive peers and mentors. After completing the weekend, fellowship is encouraged by attendance at monthly or bi-monthly gatherings, including an opportunity to be a part of the team which presents the next weekends to others--another chance to be involved with performing and building a new set of friends with common interests. Good luck!
Phyllis (volunteer)
California
Hi my name Amanda and a couple of my cuzs want to join a gang. I tried to stop them but they just say they really want to do it and no one's going to stop them what should I do?
Amanda,
Don’t follow your cuz’s by joining a gang. I know you want to help them. The more you try to stop them from joining, the more they’ll want to. When you’re around them, don’t talk gang stuff. Let it be known you don’t want to talk about that stuff, but make sure they know you love them. Do other things with them. To be honest, you have to worry about yourself first and do what’s right. You know in your heart this life is drama. I could hear it in the few words you asked.
There’s a lot in this life I’ve never done, nor will I be able to do. My parents died in June of this year 19 days apart. I couldn’t go to their funerals cause I’m here in prison. I’m told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. I don’t have no one to blame but myself, you know why? Because I joined a gang.
When you go home today, look around and stop and think about what you have. It might not be much but it’s home. Prison ain’t home; it’s hell. I’m 28 years old and I got nothing to look forward to. Don’t take for granted what you have. Do yourself a favor and live right cause life is hard enough. Don’t make it harder by joining a gang.
Richard M.
California
Amanda,
You can only try to talk your cousins out of making a mistake but what you should do if they don’t listen is to make sure you don’t follow in their footsteps. It’s good you are trying to help them but they can only be helped if they want help. Just make sure you don’t join!
Someone who cares
California
I have a son who is now reached the age of 17. I believe my son is in a gang. I don't understand, I have been a loving and caring father and he also has a caring and loving mother. He has been in jail off and on since he was 13. He was sent to boot camp by the court and was very successful. He outshined all of the other juveniles and was said to be the most successful and most able to succeed but when he got out he got back into his old habits. He has a little bother that is now 14 years old and he is now becoming quite nasty, like is older brother. How should I handle this situation? My younger son tells me he wants to be like his bother. I can relate to this because my older son comes home with new cars, trucks, clothes, women, and money and who wouldn't want that? But I don't want that for my little baby boy he has to good of a heart to be a gangbanger. My older son has tried to talk to his younger brother but he also says "It goes in 1 ear and comes out the other". I think that if he becomes a part of the gang scene he will not last. He is not as smart as his older brother and doesn't have the heart 2 hurt a fly but still I’m just very worried so if you get this email please write me back.
Sincerely Jay
Jay,
What you are asking is very hard to answer, but I know someone who is in the business of changing people’s lives and his name is Jesus Christ. If you have faith and are willing to pray for your boys, all things are possible with God if you believe. I say this because I too was once lost in the gang life, but now I’m free from its bondage. I’m not free from its temporary pain and consequences, but I’m no longer controlled by its deceiving way of life. All gang life gave me is four life sentences, separation from my family, and a heart tormented by regrets (a lesson I’ll never forget).
God alone changed my life, brought me to repentance of my past deeds, and forgave me because of Christ. The outward appearance of my life didn’t change (the consequences of my bad choices), but everything inside me He made brand new. God gave me the courage to leave the gang life in prison (which is almost impossible to do here), and all He asked was to leave the consequences to Him. I now have a hope and future in heaven (by God’s grace alone through faith in Christ), and my joy, peace, and happiness no longer depend on circumstances.
Warn your boys that if they continue the same destructive way of life, prison will be their home as well. All the new cars, trucks, clothes, women, and money mean nothing without God in your life and the freedom to enjoy it rightly. It’s not wrong to use the things we need; we only go wrong when we abuse what we want. If your sons continue to gamble their lives and freedom, they will lose in the end. The end never announces its coming, but it’s never late for an appointment! “A man reaps what he sows.” (Galatians 6:7) Their choices today will effect them tomorrow, and they best know this now because they will find out later in life. You must not let them train you to accept their gang lifestyle; you are the parents and need to train them in the right path of life. Don’t get discouraged. Stay strong and persistent because prayer and a good example are more powerful than we know. Seek the guidance of God in the Bible (Psalms, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes are good for guidance), and through His word, He will speak to your heart. I will pray for you all and I hope everything turns our right for you and your family.
Thank you for your question and time. May God bless you as you seek Him with your heart in humbleness. (“The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.” Proverbs 14:27)
In Christ - Al
California
Jay,
It’s not out of the question that your younger son will admire his older brother. I’m not quite sure how to teach your youngest a better way without sacrificing your oldest, which would push your youngest to his brother’s defense.
I would be asking your youngest what exactly he found to be so admirable about his older brother’s life. When he said, the cars, girls, etc., I would ask him if h also found the jail scene worthwhile. I would try to point out the downfall of his brother’s life as you see the points to make clear.
If he is unable to learn from his brother’s mistakes, he will more than likely make them himself. The only thing that comes to mind that might be of help in my particular self… Are you able to show him how he can be successful in getting the acceptance he needs without all the drama? As a kid, I worked summer jobs away from home. I always did well with that form of independence. Once home (with loving parents), I would start my rebellion again after only a couple of months. In short, I wanted to be grown. I loved the independence of working my summer jobs. Back home, I was back to being someone’s kid. This I hated. I went to extremes to prove I was not anyone’s little kid. Hope something helps you reach your younger boy before it’s too late.
Brian H.
California
Hello Jay,
“Man,” I truly feel you on this issue with your sons. It’s not only serious but it’s crucial. I believe that the violence of our youth and the level it’s risen to is our greatest and clearest sign of failure. Your older boy seems to have genuine compassion for his little brother, and it very well may be the catalyst for reaching the younger one and vise versa. Some of us inmates here are involved with a “Men’s Support Group” and some of the processes we use are ideal for facilitating a dialogue between the three of you. Jay, I won’t be coy as I express my heart talk to you. Please forgive me if you feel I’m rude. I believe that the involvement of our children in gangs is largely due to some neglect of the parents. Knowing this is hurtful as I am guilty myself. Yet the loving parenting you have rendered is the silver lining. I’m kind of reluctant to express this because the process requires complete understanding. What it basically entails is a semi-private emotional, truth dialogue between the three of you - no holds barred. And not simply one session, but regularly, perhaps for the rest of your lives. But again, there is a process that must be employed when facilitating such a dialogue or it can very well do more harm than good.
I agree that your older son does appear to possess an admirable character and I think that the positive side of that character can be reached through his compassion for his little brother. I think you have to save both to save either Jay. There are some men from all over the U.S. who volunteer their time to come into this prison and teach us inmates of the “Men’s Support Group” the process of facilitating such issues. I’m almost certain that some of these men are near you, wherever you are. What they are sharing, every man needs to learn… It will save your sons and you!
Sincerely - Blue Cloud
California
Ma gfriend says he wanna be in a gang. What does he have to do fight? I am trying to help him out to get out of the gang but he says that he wants protection. I said no that not good what does he have to do?
Dear friend,
I hope your friend has not joined any gang yet. The initiation into a gang is different depending on what gang it is your friend wants to join. But it usually involves hurting someone or you being hurt. If you are a male, then sometimes all the other guys in the gang get together and “jump you in” to where you cannot fight back. After they try to kill you or put you in the hospital, then they call you a “brother.”
Tell your friend that joining a gang is not the way to get protection. Gang members are either carrying their “brothers” to the cemetery or watching from a hidden spot as the cops take them away to prison. That is not any way to protect yourself. Obviously you care a lot for your friend. Just continue to be his friend and keep him out of trouble, which means keeping him from joining a gang.
Your friend - Luis
New Jersey
First of all, there is fighting involved and you will have to prove yourself to the gang. Now you say that you want to help him out of the gang. I myself think what you should do is talk to him and make him realize that there is going to be death as well as a lot of pain and suffering for him and his family. As for protection, protection only lasts so long and once something happens, that is when you see how much protection you got and it’s not what it seems to be. If you really want to help him, suggest to him moving. Try to keep him from going to the gang’s neighborhood. Slowly stop him from hanging out with the “homies.” Show him who really loves him and who will protect him from the pain, hurt and suffering. I hope that what I say helps you in some way.
Respectfully - Albert
California
Being in a gang does not mean you have protection. It only means you have even more danger coming to you, cause your buddy has an enemy who wants to harm him and he’ll harm you as well because you’re part of his gang. Even if you have nothing to do with their unknown misunderstanding, you will pay the same price. One more thing, no one will protect you the way only you can. Fight danger with knowledge.
Jean M.
New Jersey
I want you to tell your friend that love comes from yourself first. Then if you still feel lonely then you go to your family and ask them, why do I feel like nobody wants me. Let them answer your question.
Tell your friend that gangs are not about protection and when he comes into a gang he will have to kill someone to be loved. “NO” that’s not the way to go! Tell your friend if he wants protection all he has to do is go to school and talk to his teacher and let her know what’s going on with his problem. I don’t want him to tell on his boy; I just want him to think before he makes a big mistake because gangs are about killing and more killing or be killed. “GANGS ARE NOT ABOUT LOVE.”
Let your friend know that you have friends in prison that are doing life because they needed love and lost everything they had.
God be with you always.
Your friend - Hector S.
New Jersey
Well, I’m not in a gang and never was but as for your friend what he needs to do is to talk to some one that used to be in a gang to let him know what it’s like to be in one. Just keep on talking to him and let him know that’s the wrong path to go. I hope this answered your question.
Edwin T.
New Jersey
Gangs have been around for a long time. In fact, the first efforts to organize society sprang out of a group of people who desired to be more than just a gang. Gangs represent society’s untapped resources. The young men and women who join gangs give their talent and ability to those who recognize that they have something worth offering. Your friend needs self confidence and moral courage. The way for him to increase these characteristic traits in himself is to find a true purpose for his life. He must understand - none is created without an aim or purpose. It just takes some of us longer to wake up to what our purpose for living is. Until we wake up to that startling reality of what our purpose is, we’ll continue to wander aimlessly. Find a purpose for living; then he’ll experience the glory of aiming for something praiseworthy and noble.
James C.
New Jersey
Your friend wants to join a gang for protection but what protection will he receive? What, that one gang will not get him? But now he has to worry about all the other gangs coming after him just because of the colors he represents, people who didn’t even think about him before. Now he has hundreds, maybe thousands of people who are after him just because of the colors he represents. How about if he winds up by himself wearing a color and gets caught by a rival? He can’t deny his colors or the people who he was down with will be after him too. Is getting protection from a gang even worth it? What he has to do is be his own man, do something constructive with his life. If those gang members are really his peeps, they’ll protect him from the criminality of the environment.
Otto S.
New Jersey
Hi. My name is Selene and I have a really good friend who I respect with all my heart. He was involved in gangs before and managed to get out. But now he is heading the wrong way again. His friends pressure him to join again which breaks my heart. I've asked him why he wants to get back in, and he said all he wants is respect from people. Ya que he doesn't get the same respect that his friends do, which makes them look tough and koo. I don’t want him to get back into that lifestyle porque there will be consequences at the end. But I just wish I had the right words so he would listen to me. What can I do to make him think twice and change his mind on joining a gang? I hope you guys can help me out…
With all respect - Selene
If your friend is getting involved in gangs again, there’s not a whole lot you can do other than talk to him. Reason with him. Try to get him to see the consequences of his bad decision. Point out to him the disadvantages of being a gang member.
- By being a gang member, you’ve committed yourself to a life of crime and violence. A commitment of this nature can only end one way - bad!
- By being a gang member, you can never have a normal life. You’ll always be at the beckon call of your gang.
- You’ll make enemies, enemies you may not even know, who are serious about taking your life just because you belong to that gang. You can never go anywhere and truly enjoy yourself because you’ll always have to be on the lookout for your enemies. And if you don’t care about yourself, then consider what could happen if one of your loved ones is with you when you run into one of your enemies.
- Most gang members will be in prison or dead by the time they reach 30 years of age.
If your friend is looking for respect, he needs to first respect himself. By that I mean he needs to first believe in himself. He needs to understand that although it may be cool to be part of a gang, a gang is not necessary to have respect. A person who is strong enough to stand on his own two feet and make his own decisions is a person who will get more respect than any gang member ever will and even the gang members will eventually come to respect that person because, in choosing not to be a gang member, this person has now taken control of his own destiny. In actuality, he has become a leader where, as a gang member, he is nothing more than a follower who will forever be committed to follow the gang mentality. The better person is smart enough to know when to walk away. It takes a strength not many people have, but if you don’t have it you are just a weak follower. As I said before, eventually most of these same gang members will come to respect and even envy you once they grow up and realize that you were the stronger one. But most important is you can respect yourself and be proud of ypurself when you let go of the gang on your own terms.
So Selene I hope my words of wisdom will help you make a difference in your friend's life and save him from himself before it's too late. Good luck and God bless you.
Sincerely yours - Sergio G.
California
Dear Selene,
I hope that I can be of some help. First of all, I feel bad for your friend cause they’re just going to use him. He might not realize it but that’s exactly what’s going to happen with him because, now that he left the gang, they think he couldn’t hang. He might have a friend who really likes him but others will have a different perspective on him. I know from experience from old friends who got away from gangs but now their own gang beats them up or even shoots at them. I myself don’t care anymore what anyone thinks. I know who I am and what I’m about. I don’t need to prove nothing to no one, even though it’s a little late now - I’m doing 20 years to life. And I’m sure your friend will feel different when one of his so-called buddies gets a life term. I pray he doesn’t end like one of the many people I know, and I hope he thinks about what he’s doing cause he’s only going to be used. Well, take care Selene. There is hope. God bless.
Sincerely - Jesse G
California
Hi. My boyfriend is getting ready to be initiated into a gang. How can I convince him not to? How can I explain I feel about him joining?
This is very serious, because once he becomes a gang member, you will become a gang member’s girl. Now you are a part of it. Is this your choice? You have a big decision. Is this what you want to be? You have to make a decision and stand by it. Remember; It’s your life, and if he really loves, you he will understand and maybe even come back.
A Prisoner
New Jersey
At this point, your boyfriend has his mind made up. Your battle begins with his mind. History teaches us that a colonized mind easily controls the body. You will be battling a culture, a way of life, and a mindset that has great gravitational pull. You start by confronting his mind with consequences of his choice to be initiated. It has to be done in a way that is not condemning or putting him down. You have to support him but let him know that he is putting you in a dangerous position by being initiated, because someone trying to hurt him could potentially hurt you or his family trying to retaliate against him.
Ask him where he sees you both in five years and tell him where you see you in five years. You have to, in a subtle way, encourage him to be there for you more than his gang. You have to help him realize that you and his family are more important than the gang, and you all will have his back and support him more than the gang will. But words will have to be supported by deeds. If you really want to your boyfriend not to join or to get out if he decides to, you’re going to have to let him see your disappointment and refuse to accept any part of his gang life. Accept him and be there for him but not his gang life and make sure he understands this. Right now you’re about to enter a war for your boyfriend’s life. So you’re going to launch your own counterattack against the influence of the gang over your boyfriend. This will be a long-term battle with a lot of short-term failures. As long as you stay committed to keeping him out of the gang or getting him out, you will be successful.
Antonne H.
New Jersey
Your boyfriend is already set on joining the gang. What can really be said to a person that has his mind set? The truth is there is only one way you can go. Don’t be scared to tell him what you really feel, that you do not want to see him in prison, paralyzed, or dead. You have to be persistent. Let him know that if they really are in his interest, they would force him to do positive not negative things. I used to gang bang on the streets. I am serving fifty years for gang banging and not one of my peeps came to see me, send me money or make sure my family is alright. Once you are gone, there is somebody else to fill your spot. Is joining is something that may cause you to lose your life because of something negative worth it? The only thing I can say is tell him the truth about these realities. I hope it works out for you.
Otto S.
New Jersey
First you need to tell him that you do not want him to, and explain to him in your own words, from your heart why. It’s obvious that joining any gang or organization that is involved in drugs, guns, crime and death affects the members’ loved ones. What you need to ask him is how much he cares about you and his family. Does he have more love for the gang than he does for you all? Because, if he doesn’t, then he must think about how much will it hurt his loved ones if he was to get shot or end up in prison. As for you being his girlfriend, you should offer him the choice as to whether it’s being your boyfriend or being a gang member, because as a gang member he is taking his chance to lose you one way or another anyways. If he truly cares for you, nevertheless himself, he will not join.
Giovanni
New Jersey
There is a fine line between loyalty to self and loyalty to Non-Sense. What we have to do is to let individuals know that the only reason they are becoming involved in a gang is because they are looking for love acceptance and belonging. Love is what you seek when there is something missing out of your life. Love is one of the basic fundamental emotions, which gives you a sense of belonging. Acceptance is what you desire when you're looking for love. Belonging comes to you in the form of delusion. It is a superficial mask that is deception and will lead you to rise or fall. We live in a shallow materialistic society. Everything from what we hear and what we see has layers. What we need to do is to allow ourselves to look at each layer and decide which one will lead us to love.
Now you might say, "This is my family." or, "Everyone is doing it." Your family doesn't put you on the life of destruction. You must determine if you will settle for second rather than first. Let it be known that there are other opportunities out there. You have a right to choose from them. For some reason, Blacks and Hispanics have the paranoid sense that the only way out of poverty is the life of crime or drugs. There are a lot of choices; you just have to want to look for greater challenge and experience.
R.A.
New Jersey
Your second question basically answers your first. You must strive to convince him not to join by explaining to him how you feel about him joining. Give him reasons why you do not want him to do that. For example, if you love each other and plan on getting married or having children, let him know you do not want your future husband or child's father to be a gang member. Be specific as to some of the things that happen to gang-members. Many are hurt if not killed over things that really do not mean much. Many are locked-up for the things they do. In here gang members have it real bad. There is a big crack-down on gangs in prisons which will make it even worse for him if he gets locked-up for gang related activity. You have to let him know that that is not the life you want for him or yourself. If he really loves you and cares about you then he will consider your feelings very carefully before making that kind of decision. After letting him know how you feel and probably even giving him an option, if he still joins the gang then he really did not think much about you should reevaluate your relationship.
Words of advice: do not let anyone drag you down or have you doing something that you in your heart know is wrong; the gang life stile leads to nothing but pain and negative encounters that can only destroy your life.
Pucho
New Jersey
The first of all I would like to tell you that this is a very interesting question. Do you know why? Because at that early age one, as an adolescent, wants to call the attention of others and be the strongest. One wants to be part of the gang. Now to let you know, or better yet to answer your question, pertaining to your boyfriend wanting to join a gang, one thing I would like to say is that he is taking a wrong path. Once one is in that situation they have many friends until they commit a mistake and fall into the prison system. Then their friends turn their back on them.
You that love him should advise him and make him understand that his joining a gang is not going to help you or him, and that there are many other things in the world which are positive that he can get involved in. Ask him if he wants to live the rest of his life, losing his youth and everything he can accomplish for life, behind bars where you’re stripped of your dignity and you’re no longer yourself and you cannot do any of the things you desire to do. Besides those friends and that form the gang do not have his best interest at heart and will soon forget about him. Tell him to think about it carefully and you who wish that he does not join must help him not to.
You ask how you can convince him and the only way that I see your doing that is by sitting together with him and watching one of those programs on television where the juveniles are dieing and are falling in prison and given the maximum sentences for the crimes committed. Take him to a courtroom so he can see it personally or go to a hospital. There you will find many answers for X reasons, where many are going through problems for errors committed that have pushed them into drugs, or pushed them into gangs just to be the most popular. It might be the only method that will open his eyes to the reality of what he will be getting into by joining a gang and only way you can’t convince him not to.
You have to speak clearly with him and make sure he listens to all that you have to say. Let him know that you feel fear to be walking him because someone from another gang can come to do him harm right in front of you. Tell him you don’t like the way he sees life and how it hurts you, that you don’t want to be with someone who will bring your problems. Let him know that all you want is a good life with him and your children. You want your children to feel proud of their father. You must find the time and place where you can sit with him and explain the fear and worries you feel. Speak from your heart into his. I wish of the best.
Angel C.
New Jersey
Look; tell him how you feel. Be honest with him. Let him know that you care, and if he still joins, then at least let you let him know and he won’t have an excuse to be mad at you when you leave his dumb ass.
Jean M.
New Jersey
It is very hard to convince another to change their mind about getting into a gang, 'specially if they can't see anything wrong with the decision they are making. Hard, not impossible. You can and should explain the way you feel about him joining a gang, and do so in a gentle and caring manner. Try exposing the truth concerning the consequences that his decision will bring upon him, his family, you and your family. Gangs do not give life, only take it and destroy it. There are many examples about the consequences of gang life, and I'm one of them, with many others here, too.
Now, what will you do if he does join the gang? Will you be wise and look ahead at the needless suffering that the gang life will bring, and so decide not to live that life with him? Or, will you stay with him, hoping that things will get better when they won't? Count the cost, girl. Gangs are a dead end, a waste of time and life. If you stay with him and his gang, you will do him and yourself more harm than good. May God and Jesus bless you, May His Word be your strength and comfort as you are led by Him to the right path in life. Read your Bible (Matthew 7:13-14) P.S. Thank you for your time.
Alex P.
California
I would let that individual know how much I love and respect them the way they are, and by them joining a gang, that they will lose my love and respect. Only punks and losers join gangs, and I know you are neither. I would ask him, “What do you have to prove by joining a gang? What would be gained from that? Where would you be in three years? Probably dead or in prison”! So is it worth being dead or in prison? Hell no!
Angel
New Jersey
My brother was kind of getting into a lot of trouble not so long ago. He was really interested in the gang way of life. He even got to the point of hitting me, and even our mother. He is not with us anymore... at least not for a while. He is in a boys’ home. He still acts like he would like to be a gang member, and I don't know how to help him anymore. I am scared that he is going to waste his youth on nonsense things that will hurt him.
Marisol
Marisol:
Regarding your brother, he has a misconception of gangs if he thinks it's OK to hit you and your mother. Respect and discipline are greatly emphasized. Tell him it's not worth it. There's too much to lose and in the end all he'll have is you and your mom to depend on.
Respectfully - Oscar
California
Marisol,
I think if you want to help your brother, maybe you should let him see for himself what he’s doing to you and your mom - and if he has enough common sense, he will realize that in jail, or in that place he finds himself in.
I have two younger sisters. One was 12 years old and the other one about 4 years old when I got busted. Now, after all this time in prison, I really miss them, even though I never got a chance to know them that well. It’s been a long time since I saw them. One of them has a daughter of her own now. I have seen her in photos only. Sometimes they write me, but you see I now realize the value of their love. Maybe it’s too late though.
I’ve never hit them. Still, I feel so guilty because I was their brother and I let them down. I was only thinking of myself. You sound like you care about your brother a lot. But there’s only so much we can do for our loved ones, and maybe he’ll see in time that you want the best for him, but if he doesn’t he’s going to regret it. I know, because even though it sounds silly, if I could take back all the pain I’ve caused, I would. I know you feel bad for your brother. Let him learn his lesson on his own.
Respectfully - G. Alvarado
California
Well I wanted to ask a question regarding my brother. What should I do or say to him because I noticed how much drugs he's been doing and little by little his parting from our family?
Ana
Ana,
I can only speak for myself. When I was in that place your brother is in now, I felt too distracted with the feeling of inner disappointment. Drugs were just a fine way for me to numb myself from the world. I would suggest being patient, being an open ear, non-judging, and letting him know you’re concerned.
Brian H.
California
To Ana:
Concerning your brother’s drug abuse, if you are already noticing him parting from your family, I think you should step in to address that issue full force with him and/or, if it comes to it, with the whole family and him. If not, this could very well become a 10, 15, 20 or even a 30 year issue that gets more detrimental as time goes on. I think you should learn what drugs he is using, what potential damage they cause, as well as the process to recover from such a drug or drugs. Then sit down with him and confront him in a manner that allows him to know that you’re coming from a position of sisterly love and concern. And if that opens up his confidence, enabling him to be totally honest with you, I think you should be willing to hold his hand (so to speak) through his recovery process. That should very likely include a structured program of some degree. Ana, if you can’t gain his confidence on a one to one, perhaps a committee of family members equipped with the aforementioned information. His life is at stake Ana, and he needs to be made to embrace the reality of that fact and so does the family. As for what to say, I suggest “Heart talk”!
Sincerely - Blue Cloud
California
Ana,
What you should do is tell your brother how much you love him and how much it is hurting you to see him like that. Hopefully he sees how much you and your family love him and he stops. If this doesn’t change him, you have a responsibility to tell your parents so that they can get the professional help he needs. Don’t worry about him getting mad at you. Later in life he will be grateful. I know you don’t want your brother to get hurt or end up in jail. That’s why it’s important that you tell your parents.
I pray that your brother may come out well and that God may help you resolve this problem. I know it’s not going to be easy, so don’t be discouraged. It is always painful to see someone you love doing something that will harm them and their family.
But it would be more painful if you do nothing. I hope everything goes well with your brother.
Eddy
California
What should I do with my 2 little cousins? They're only 8 and 11 but they act and fight, like adults. They're always bragging about becoming gangsters, and running from the cops when they're older. I got some of my cousins up in jail, and I don't wanna see them in there too. They're starting with the little things like stealing, fighting, and I wanna help them before they end up like my cousins.
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
My heart goes out to you. I admire your need to help your two little cousins become well-adjusted adults. I’m unable to advise you how to best accomplish this feat. I can only speak on what I think would have helped me stay clear of riding into the dark side looking to develop into what I imagined to be the ideal man, which at that time was a man without fear, doubt, and a man who knew what he wanted out of life and would stop at nothing to get it, while setting examples along the way for others to steer clear while I made my way. It is my hope that you will find something here that will trigger in you a way for you to help your little ones.
As a child, I wanted to be an adult. Even though I was to shy to admit it, I wanted a girlfriend who would be to me what my mom was to my dad - best companion.
As a youngster, I mowed lawns, washed cars, weeded flower beds, and swept parking lots, whatever I found to do that would fatten my nest egg so I would be ready for life when I set out on my own. All this made me feel good about who I was. During these moments of development I stayed out of trouble and was socially equipped to haggle with adults over payment for services rendered. I enjoyed this simple life I was creating for myself.
When the reins were pulled back on me (too young for serious relationships, too young for the understanding of what seemed so simple to me, to young to put distance between my family and myself by becoming more independent), it seemed to me I was being told I was too young to know or do anything but play in the back yard where it was safe. This I rebelled against with all my heart and soul. I looked for trouble and often found it by walking down the school hallways where I would sometimes attack a group of boys my age or older for looking at me (they might not of paid so much attention to my walking by had I not been so easily cued). I was stealing, cutting school to experiment with drugs, and crime became routine.
I look back now and see a small boy trying everything he could think of in an attempt to initiate himself into adulthood. If I could meet that troubled child today, I would pull him under my wing and talk to him as a person who has his own ideas of responsibility. I would try to help him understand people are not perfect, even adults make mistakes due to things that have happened in their lives that have nothing to do with him trying to grow up. I would try to help him understand that the violence he commits is misdirected confused frustration turned to anger, that drugs were being used only to numb the feelings of guilt for hurting people for little or no reason, to numb all the emotions difficult to identify and deal with. We instinctively know right from wrong or we wouldn’t try so hard to get away with things. I would try to help him understand that it was OK to feel sad, confused, or anything else he felt. I would invite him to talk about these feelings. In time, I would earn his trust by never betraying anything he ever said which would help him open up more. I would even talk with him of my own doubts and confusion and trust him with my own feelings to build a tighter bond with him. I would love him for who he is and never judge him. I would try to help him better himself in his own eyes by trying to help him understand why and how he feels the way he does so he himself is better equipped to overcome any insecurities so he will be able to face life on his own two feet, to follow what he feels to be the truth of his own heart by not letting his actions be dictated by the actions of others. I would encourage his work, his growth in personal relationships and in his preparation for his adult future of responsible living.
Melissa, please never stop trying to reach your two little cousins. Please keep in mind the possibility children striving to become adults may mimic those adults they see command what they themselves want, recognition, respect, love, acceptance, etc. I also believe in the possibility that the more independence a child displays, the more responsibility he is ready for. This I believe may help him become better equipped to handle life’s pressures as they arise instead of going off on an auto-pilot where people, themselves included may get hurt.
In closing, I wish you luck in reaching your little ones.
Brian H.
California
Dear Melissa,
Here is some advice. Get your cousins out of that environment. If all they see every day, all day, is violence and gang banging, they’re gonna be left with no choice but to join in. Show them all that love you have for them. Let them know how much you love them and need them.
Picture a precious jewel inside a bag of garbage. If you take the garbage and dump it, you probably won’t see the precious jewel. It doesn’t mean that it’s not a precious jewel, it means that it’s part of some garbage. But separate it or remove the jewel and it will show you it’s beauty. Your cousins are jewels.
Jean M.
New Jersey
Dear Melissa,
Your two young cousins are learning the vices of a fragmented society fighting against itself. Their conduct is a clear illustration of how destructive misdirected energy can become. The question is, “How do you channel this energy into positive and constructive forms of behavior"? Well, I would say teach them the way of peace and how to use the power of their minds. It is evident that they are strong willed individuals even at such an early stage of development. Challenge them to think rather than to react. They must come to understand that knowledge is where the real force and power lies. Physically beating your opponent into submission is certainly admired by a savage society. However, to bring your opponent into submission without physical force or the threat of violence is a much greater virtue among the more refined of the world. Teach them to think and raise them to a higher plain of mind power by becoming an example of wisdom in motion.
James C.
New Jersey
Dear Melissa,
Well about your two cousins, the first thing you should do is ask them what they love the most, and then ask them how they would feel if they lost what they love the most. Let them know that freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world and we need them to become someone in this world because our generation is lost.
Listen, take them to the courthouse and let them see how the judge punishes young kids. Like that they could see what life can be for them when they do wrong.
Gangs are the talk of the world today and that’s going to be one of your worst problems today. Now I know that a lot of kids want to be gang members but they don’t know what they are getting into. When you join a gang the only thing you are doing is hurting yourself and your family.
So this is what I want you to do with your cousins, when they come home from school ask then how was school today and then tell them that we are going to the courthouse. Like that they could see and hear what the judge is doing to those kids who don’t want their education and they want to become a gang member. I want you to take your cousins to prison and visit your family members who are in there and ask them to talk to your cousins. Like that they would see what will happen to them.
I’ve been in prison for 15 years and I see a lot of young men get into gangs because they feel lonely, but when they join the gang, the first thing they ask them to do is to hurt someone.
I wish you the best and I hope that God will give
