Hey I’m 13 at school many kids pick on me and that gets me really angry. Should I join a gang so they will stop and so I can get some respect?
EG
Dear E.G.,
My name is Juan and I am answering your questions to “Gangs and At-Risk Kids”. Thank you for reaching out and asking for help!
School bullies have been a problem for many, many generations, “since the beginning of time,” but joining a gang to make it stop or gain respect is not the answer. It will only add more problems to what you are already going through. In fact, joining a gang is not cool at all and will get you into trouble!
When I was about your age, there was this guy that had a reputation for fighting and he would intimidate other kids. Now, my thing in school was sports and those were the friends I hung around with because we had sports in common. But this bully was in one of my classes and somehow he wound up getting in my face. What I did, and I am not saying you should, but I pushed him and he fell between the chairs. Later he went around telling anybody that would listen to him that he would fight me after school. But before the school day was over, he was saying something different because he knew that I would stand up to him, win or lose. In reality bullies are scared too and they try to save their reputations. But by that time, the whole school already knew that if you stood your ground, the bully would rather find a way out than to fight! That was my experience.
E.G., I am not saying for you to do what I did. There are other ways in dealing with bullies. You can ask for help from your school counselor and teachers. Talk to your parents and let them know what’s going on. But don’t join a gang! That is not the solution.
E.G., I am writing to you from prison! Drugs and alcohol is what got me here! Later I joined a prison gang, like thinking that it would keep me safe and gain respect. It turned out to be a big mistake! It only added to the problems of drugs and alcohol I already had. But getting out of the gang and stopping using drugs and alcohol is the best decision and choice I have ever made!
E.G., it nearly cost me my life! Only through the Grace of God I was saved! I have been imprisoned for 27 years! But I am proud to say that I am free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol and from the gang. I hope my letter will help you and give you the courage to ask for help. Please stay away from gangs and also from drugs and alcohol.
Have faith! God has something special in store for you. God bless and guide you in your journey through life!
Life in Christ - Juan
California
Dear E.G.,
It’s never a good reason to join a gang and doing so doesn’t gain you respect. Respect comes to the individual who’s giving his best to accomplish something that’s honorable. Joining a gang doesn’t make people respect you. They may fear you. Fear isn’t respect; it’s the opposite in the reactions it brings to you. Someone who fears you will try to kill you way faster than you’ll see coming. You’re 13 yrs. old. There’s so many honorable things available to you that breeds respect: sports, school grades, and activities. The thing is, truly applying yourself to whatever it is that you’re good at or what you like doing. There’s an energy (that feels like magic) attached to a person when their completely connected to a task they’re good at or like doing. They stand out when they’re performing it. Anyone who sees them handling their business with that magical flow admires what they see and respects you because they connect with the artistry you bring out of what you’re doing. And that’s true with anything positive that you get into on that level I just described. What are you good at or really like doing?
Sincerely yours - Blue Cloud
California
EG,
Though you’re only 13, I think you’re already smart enough to know the difference between respect and intimidation. That’s your answer.
Mike
New Jersey
Hi my name is Sara and in 15 years old. I've been wanting to join a gang for the longest time because I have a lot of problems at home. The thing is that I don’t get along with my parents or brothers because my mom treats me like a fucking dog or if I was some kind of slut, but I’m not. For some reason my parents have always treated me different like if I was some kind of mistake in their lives and I have a lot if friends in gangs and there always happy and treat each other all nice and they protect each other/and since my parents don’t give a damn about me I think I should join it. I don’t care what I have to do to get in as long as someone loves and takes care of me for the first time. I don’t care. What do u think I should do?
Sara,
After reading your letter, it had me thinking and I could understand your pain but for different reasons. You say your family treats you like a dog and both your parents act like you were a mistake. But joining a gang is only going to make things harder, not easier. I know.
First thing you got to do is to realize your not a dog or a slut and if you join a gang, believe me, sooner or later that’s how you’ll be treated - not just by other people but by the gang you join.
Right now, at your age, gang life looks all fun and games, but look at all the problems older gang members have. They can’t get a job; nobody trusts them. The cops always stop them and we’re in and out of prison.
I don’t know you but do yourself a favor and try harder to get along with your parents. A lot of things don’t make sense, but when you’re older they will.
I started a gang when I was 13 and now I’m doing life in prison. I can’t do a lot of those things I think that you take for granted like go to the movies or eat a Big Mac. I’ll never be able to do those things. So please do yourself and me a favor - live right.
Richard M.
California
Dear Sara,
You write that you have been wanting to join a gang for the longest time because of all the problems you have at home with your parents. But answer yourself this question: how does joining a gang resolve those problems you have at home? It doesn’t Sara. I do not know why your parents treat you the way they do, and it seems that you don’t either. As much as you say that you have been wanting to join a gang for the longest and yet you have not; even by asking us about what you should do, tells me that you do not really want to join a gang. I cannot tell you what you should do; only you can decide the best thing for you. I can tell you this, hiding from ones problem for even a long time will not make that problem go away. In fact, the problem may get worse. Talk to your parents or to people you trust who are close to your parents. Get your feelings known. Get them out in the open. Do not start a trend which allows you to run away from your problems. Life can become very complicated that way. Open up to others Sara. Do not keep all your feelings and thoughts inside yourself. Let other people hear you, most especially your parents.
You are in my prayers.
A friend - Luis D.
New Jersey
Dear Sara,
Hi! My name is Renee. I’m 25 and I am in prison in New Jersey. When I was 15 I lived in California with my mother and stepfather. My home life was a lot like yours. I felt the same way you do. I turned to a gang for the same reasons. My mother put me on a plane and sent me to my father’s in New Jersey. When I got to my father’s, I joined up with a group of kids - not a gang but a crew. I had my son when I was 18 but that didn’t complete my life and I continued to hang out with my so-called friends. They sold heroin out of our house and everyone partied. We stole cars, robbed gas stations, houses, etc. We had one law… our crew. I thought that these people really loved me and I them. They were the family I thought I wanted. Now, as I sit in prison, I’m Alone. I’ve had a lot of time to look back and think. I’ve been locked up 28 months and everyone at home has turned on me. Joining a gang is not the way to go. The end results are not worth it. I was your age when I made that wrong choice. Look where I am 10 years later. My son just turned 6 and I have missed so much. I was looking for love in all the wrong places!
God loves us and we have to love ourselves. You have to be strong, get an education and do something you want to do. Maybe you can work with “kids” like us; who knows. I go to college here and plan to become a nurse when I go home. There is no better way to say, “The hell with it” than to become something; something the opposite of what your family says you are! You should watch the movie Antwon Fisher with Denziel Washington. When he says to his opposers that they didn’t break him, that he’s still standing strong, it touched me. That s my goal because I am not a worthless piece of garbage and neither are you. Don’t make their words true. You are 15 and you have your whole life ahead of you. You are a beautiful, smart, strong young lady. You showed your strength when you wrote and asked what you should do. Just follow through, get involved in something positive. If I could go back to when I was 15, I would do it all differently. Don’t choose the road I did! It only gets worse! There are plenty of people who care. If no one told you they cared about you today, I do and God does. I will keep you in my prayers, but please keep asking for help until you find it. Don’t give up
Sincerely - Rene F.
New Jersey
Dear Sara,
Your letter was very sad. It sounds like you had it bad for a long time. I hope that you haven’t made the decision to join your friends’ gang. Take it from me Sara. I saw the same things in a gang but it’s all a smokescreen for what really goes on within a gang. You would make a perfect gang member. You’ll be the one who is the craziest, the hardest of all, the first one to do what others hesitate on doing and the one who will die for the gang or take a bullet for the homeboy or homegirl. I know you because I was there at one point and now I’m here. You are probably thinking that it won’t happen to you. I thought the very same thing when people would tell me that my future was a young death or life in prison. After so many people telling me the same thing, I just didn’t care if I died or got busted. If either happened, I was proud to know that it was going to be for the gang. I didn’t care what happened to me. You can bet that I care now. The gang is not the answer Sara. If your friends are real, they will love and care for you without having to join the gang. Remember this Sara, by joining the gang, it will make it seem like your parents were right. It’s like telling your mom that she was right all along. The gang will not provide the kind of love you need. There is something wrong with your parents, Sara. I mean, why do they treat you like they do?! I understand that you might do things that they don’t like but there should be some love expressed towards you.
Well Sara, you asked what I thought and I think that joining a gang is a mistake. Take it from me… I’m doing life for the gang and what is the gang doing for me…? Nothing! You know what your homeboys are going to do? They are going to try to get into your pants and nothing more.
My response is late but however it may find you, in a gang or still debating whether to join in, take note of my words because you are not a dog, you are not a slut, and your are most definitely not a mistake! If your family doesn’t respect you, the least you can do is show yourself some respect.
Respetuosamente - Alex
California
I would like to ask a prisoner why he/she joined a gang besides respect or
love. I was wondering if there are other reasons why people today are joining.
I was really thinking about it but I have not yet decided because I am only 15 years
old.
I was thinking about joining because I feel like a misfit in my family. I am the
only one in my family that makes bad grades, does drugs, drinks etc. No one
else in my family has done them.
I would like to know more about gangs because I have a friend in a gang but I
would like some advice because I can't go to my mom. She wouldn't understand
and I can't go to anyone in my family. All I have is friends and they would be
like "Do whatever. I don't care." Well anyway that's about it. - Matt
Matt
Your letter caught my attention because I saw some similarities with what you are going through and what I went through at your age. The big difference that stands out between you and me is that I didn't have the common sense and courage to ask someone for advice. There is something about asking advice from someone you are not standing in front of and looking eye to eye that makes it easier.
I don't know you but I get the feeling that you don't really want to join a gang. There is one thing that could of helped me and prevented me from joining a gang and I hope that it helps you out. That was to be true to myself regardless of what others thought or might say. If only I lived up to my expectations and not to those of people around me. That's my advice to you Matt. People can say whatever they want about you and that might hurt your feelings but if you take time to think about what you really want to do in life, the hurt won't be as significant as the joy and pride you'll gain from doing what YOU want. At your age, I wanted to study hard so that I could get a good job and buy my mom a house that she could call her own. I was a straight "A" student. But I started doing drugs and drinking and went from straight "A" to a straight "F" student until I got kicked out for fighting.
To answer your question as to why people join a gang, it is not for love or respect but mostly peer pressure. There isn't that much love or respect in a gang. If by joining a gang a person earns respect, why is that person always getting disrespected? That person is always getting into fights and shot at. If someone is respected, none of this would be done. As far as love goes ... there is no love in a gang. A person assumes there is love because the homies kick down with drugs and you are made to feel welcomed, like you belong. But pretty soon, you have to bring drugs of your own and all of a sudden you feel like you don't belong any longer. People that are not in a gang get picked on sometimes, but let me point out that most of the people that pick on others are just "wanna be's" Gang members are too busy being enslaved by drugs or always looking over their shoulders.
I came close to getting shot but, thank God, I didn't! I don't know why I didn't get killed all those times I got shot at, but I would like to think I was destined to prevent you from making a big mistake. I hope you read this and reflect on the priorities of your life. Hopefully we can establish a friendship and communicate with each other. I'm only 21 and I'm still learning to live up to my expectations and not to those of the people around me. It's hard but having someone going through just about the same things helps out a lot. Time somehow seems to stop when a person gets busted. I got busted when I was 16 and I still have some of the mentality I had back then. I'm going to end this letter by asking you a question of my own Matt ... What is the purpose of joining a gang and what is there to benefit from doing so?
Respectfully, Alex
California
Dear Matt,
To answer your question about why I got into a gang, to me it was normal being that we were lower middle class and living in gang areas. The people we saw, the people we grew up with, most of them made their own gangs. As problems erupted between gangs, it was like choose a side or be enemies.
You say you feel like a misfit. I felt like a misfit myself cause I was smart, an "A" and "B" student. I gave respect to receive respect and I never went looking for trouble but, being in a gang, trouble will always find you. "Like it or not," you're stuck.
Your feelings of being a misfit will stick with you for awhile. Everyone goes through the "misfit feeling" as they grow up even though a lot of people deny it. I feel like a misfit right now. Here's a killer gone Christian and surrounded by all sorts of negativity, so I hang out by myself. I've been in prison for 6 years now and I can proudly say that I have not gotten in any trouble. Hard to believe, huh?
Matt, I suggest that you try different things out like sports, jobs, learn something from your surroundings. As for your bad grades, don't let your pride get in the way - ask your teacher or someone for help and if you need to, ask to be put in a special ed class. It's your future, not theirs!
As for drugs, I've done them all. Yeah, I enjoyed it at that time, but now that I'm sober and able to reflect on my past, I see all the hurt I put my family through. Who wants to see their son, daughter, father, or mother all sucked up, broke and looking miserable, stealing, and worst of all dying from an overdose or being killed for a drug debt.
Matt, my parents weren't divorced but things weren't that good either. My advice is that you find one of those programs that invite youngsters like you to join in games and activities. You'll be amazed to see how many older youngsters are there. As for your mom, you can start by telling her that you love her and try to make time for her, being that it is hard for her as a single parent to make time for you. You can help around the house. Suggest to have a picnic somewhere. Try to join the family together in activities cause a gang is not a family. Family sticks together. Gangs turn on you. I lived it, little brother. I hope you think about all this and do the right thing.
Sincerely, Jesse G.
California
I joined a gang to belong, to be accepted. But I learned early that the people I was seeking acceptance from weren't deserving of my loyalty, so I formed my own gang. My other reasons for joining were to increase my popularity within my neighborhood and other neighborhoods, a superficial attempt to be known for blacking-out.
The "misfit" feeling you feel is a natural feeling. I felt it also. But it wasn't until I got older that I learned that the awkward transitions of my teenage years is what led me to feeling like a misfit - like I didn't belong; like I wasn't accepted. These are what grown folks call growing pains. We are trying to find ourselves during these awkward periods. But in finding who we are, we have to know what we are in order to know where we are going.
The reason no one else in your family does "drugs, drinks or makes bad grades," is because they draw strength from the examples in your family that don't do those things. When you follow the example of people in your family who make the right choices, you'll make the right choices. You can be accepted by your family and fit in with them by following their good examples.
Never think your mother can't or won't understand you. Who else do you know that loves you for you and wouldn't give you bad advice? She would tell you the truth because she truly cares about you and wants to help you make the best decisions. Your friends tell you to do whatever because they don't have your best interest at heart. Your family and mother would encourage you to do what your abilities permit you to do.
Toney H.
New Jersey
Matt,
I hope you read this letter before you decide to join a gang that will probably lead to your death or incarceration like me. I am now in prison because I joined a "family" with my "brothers." I was deceived because I was always hearing that my gang was a "family" and the other members were my "brothers." That was such B.S., and because of the way they made me feel, I fell for it. In order to join I was beat down and lost two teeth in that "being welcomed into the 'family'." I had to lie my way out of that one when my parents took me to the hospital.
I joined this "family" at the age of 15, and was arrested for murder at the age of 16. I had only been in for about 8 months. My "brothers" and I were to go and beat this kid up that had disrespected one of my "brothers'" sisters. We found the kid and began to beat him up, or I thought that was all we were going to do. When we were done, the boy was really bloody and I thought it was from the punches to his face. When the cops arrested me and two of my "brothers", they said I was being arrested for murder. The kid we beat up had been stabbed four times and he died. I didn't know what the hell they were talking about. All we did was punch and kick him. But one of my "brothers" had used a knife and I did not know about it. The cops had witnesses that saw us jump the kid. So I did not see how we were going to get around this. We had already talked to each other and agreed that we were not going to tell the cops anything. I stuck to my guns and didn't say a word, not that I could since I did not know who it was that used the knife. But later on I found out from the cops that "my brothers" had gave statements saying that it was me who stabbed the kid. I of course denied the whole thing, but they had statements and someone had to pay for the guy's death.
While in the county jail, someone from my "family" came to visit me and told me not to worry about it. Because I was a juvenile and this was my very first arrest, there was no way that I was going to get much time to do, and that my "family" would take care of me. Two weeks later I was taken to court and told by my court appointed lawyer that the Prosecutor was asking that I be waved-up to adult criminal court. After he explained what that meant for me, I thought I was going to die. To make a long story short, I am now 25 years old and sitting in prison doing 45 to life for murder, weapons, and robbery conviction. The last time I saw any of "my brothers" was in the courtroom when they took the stand to testify against me and demonstrating how it was that "I" was "stabbing" the victim. It was because of these people that I had dropped out of school, left my parents and real brother and sisters behind. Now that I am in prison, the only people that come to visit me are my parents and real brother and sisters. My mother at visit once told me that the only gang that I ever needed was her and the family, my real family, and of course she was right, as she normally was. Take it from me Matt, the gangs are dead-end streets which sooner or later sill leave you dead or in prison.
A Prisoner
New Jersey
My name is Daniel. I am 24 years old, the mother of two beautiful kids, a boy and a girl. I am at Clinton (prison for women) serving a sentence of 30 years with a 15 (stipulated). Between here and county jail, I have been locked up for about six years. I would like to answer Matt's question on joining a gang. I am in prison now because I was part of a gang. Sitting here now six years later, I can honestly say that I do not know why the f__k I ever got involved in this whole situation. Girls in a boys' gang are always being dogged and abused. When you are into it, as I was, I couldn't see it. I mean I was really into the guys and girls of my pack. I did not grow up in the inner city or the "ghetto." That is the first thing people think when I tell them I was in a gang. My family is from Somerset, New Jersey, and my family although not super rich were well off money wise.
I always felt I could not relate to anyone in my family. I hated my parents and my brothers and sisters, five all together, were a younger version of my parents. I used to get stoned in school on a daily basis, and I used to have sex with the guys in the boy's bathroom. I started to like this one boy who was always around other kids. He was popular and well known for being tough. I started going out with him and his friends. Then they told me that if I am to stay around them I had to take an oath of loyalty and be part of their pack. I did not want to lose my friends so I did what they asked of me.
Before I knew it, I was not only having sex with the guy I liked, but he also made me have sex with the other guys and girls in the group. I used to get beat up with the other girls if we didn't come back with enough money or things for the guys. We (the girls) did a lot of shop-lifting, and my boyfriend used to rent me out to guys around the school. In my senior year of high school, we started selling drugs, nothing big but it did get us some money. My parents stopped giving me money because they knew I was giving it to my boyfriend. We used to go to New York City and buy, then come to our town and sell it. One time, we used all our money on a buy, but the drugs we got was no good. The guys in the pack were really mad, and they beat up on us girls. That night all the guys took turns having sex with the girls. But we looked at it as that was part of being in a gang.
We had no money, so we had to do something in order to go back to the city and buy some more. We started looking around for a house to rob. So we went in this house of some friends of my parents. They were old and had a lot of money. We just wanted to go in there and take some money and some things we could get money for. We were all drunk from some liquor I took from my house, and we went into the house to steal. The house was supposed to be empty, but when we went in, there were people in the house. My boyfriend started hitting the old guy and the old lady started screaming, so the other guy grabbed her and tried to shut her up. Me and another girl did not know what to do. I started to run out of the house and the other girl was crying. When I got to the door, the cops were already on the front lawn. I ran through the house and out the back door, but when I got to the gate, the cops arrested me. Six of us got arrested and four are now in prison. The girl that was crying testified against us and got a probation, so did one of the guys. We also got charged with some of the old robberies we had done. When I was in the county jail, I heard from my lawyer that the old lady died in the hospital from a heart attack and we were to be charged with her death. I pleaded guilty because my lawyer said it would be worse if I took it to trial.
Don't join a gang Matt. It is all a lie and nothing good will come out of it. I never got to graduate from high school, and my family do not want anything to do with me. By the way, I am also HIV positive. My kids are good so I was infected after they were born.
Daniel
New Jersey
Hi I am a 16 year old girl who was just formally invited to be in a gang. My boyfriend is the one who wants me to be in it. He has never hurt me. He seems like he really cares for me but I am not for sure. I do not want to join a gang, but if I don’t I will not be with him no more and I really care for him.
Sincerely yours - Georgia
Dear Georgia,
By the way the way you express yourself, I can tell that you are a very intelligent young lady, and you know very well the answer to your question of whether you should join a gang in order to continue with your boyfriend.
Georgia, this is obviously causing you some distress, and if this boyfriend of yours cares for you, why is he pressuring you like this? He wants you to join; obviously you do not, otherwise you would have joined already. You are 16 years old; try to picture yourself 10 years from now. Imagine yourself where you would like to be at that time. You write that you are sorry for how my life turned out. Please remember that I am here for making decisions based on what other people wanted for me. What do you want for yourself Georgia? If you do not have a plan for your own life, you shall always fall victim to the plans of others. My advice to you is to think about your situation with this boyfriend: your mother doesn’t know him; you think you care for him; the only way you could be with him is to join a gang. He only seems like he cares for you. So you tell me Georgia, based on these facts, what do you think you should do? Think of what is to your best interest years down the road, for the world nor time will wait for you.
The best of luck to you.
A friend - Luis
New Jersey
Georgia,
Any doubts you have may be your own inner peace speaking a painful truth. Only you know what is best for Georgia. Please take the necessary time to make the decision that will best serve the rest of your life long beyond now.
I have this little voice deep inside that speaks to me - especially when I’m listening to it. If I’m up to no good, it knows. Whenever I refuse to listen, I usually wind up paying for it. I find myself saying, “Damn, I knew better than to trust that dude,” or “Damn, I knew that was going to mess things up.” I’ve come to believe we all know what’s right; we may choose to ride against it. I usually end up paying. This is the reason I ask you to search deep down inside where this voice lives; learn to listen to this voice; and please have the courage to follow this voice no matter how unpopular you think it may make you. You may be surprised at how much respect you wind up receiving in the long run. You may also find that others who try so hard to prove how hard they are by popping a cap, deep inside, they’re running scared and trying to cover it up in any way they know how - “Go along to get along.” Now that I stand alone, ride alone, I see more respect from others. I think they too wish not to be a puppet having their strings pulled by someone’s ego trip, but feel lost for a respectable way out, or know it but lack the courage to follow through.
With care - Brian
California
Georgia,
Look, I got your letter and I don't have a lot to tell you. But you don't need guys like that. You're way better than to end up with a guy like that for the rest of your life. If you don't want to, you don't have to join a gang. It's up to you. There's other better guys out there and one day you'll find him. Give it some time, O.K.? If he really cares for you, trust me, he wouldn't want you to join in. It's a f..ked up life. You won't get too far if you're in a gang.
I have a primo that just passed away just for being in a gang. Think about it really good. You're young. You have a whole life ahead of you. Make the best out of it. Go to school and do good. Go out with your "nice" friends, not those homies that don't have a life.
Take care of yourself and remember what I said. Don't listen to what he tells you no mater how much you love him. If you want to be with him and if he cares so much about you, then ask him to change his dumb ways.
Becky
California
I was thinking of going a gang because see I have no parents. I feel that no one has my back, and that my father doesn't say I’m his daughter. I fell like I’m always trying to prove to him that I am Mexican and to my moms family that I am white, and I feel if I join a gang then I wouldn't have to prove myself anymore, is that right?
The hardest thing about doing what is “right” is in figuring out what is “the right thing.” In life we have many people who pull us in all sorts of directions and if we try to please them, or try to always prove ourselves to them, we will lose track of who is truly important. The fact is that you are both Mexican and White; that fact you cannot change and you do not have to join a gang to prove that. If you really want to prove yourself to people, anybody, all you have to do is make something of yourself on your own terms. If you act contrary to your nature, if you go against your true self… you will constantly fail, and failure is not any way to prove anything to anybody. You must do what is right for you and what you believe would be your best chance at a good future. Prove to yourself who you really are.
My best wishes. A friend - Luis
California
Hello there! I took the time to read about what you want to do, “join a gang.” Well your reasons sound as if you want attention by someone who cares. First off, I joined a gang; I’ve ruined my life and have been locked up for 4 years. I went from CYA to State Prison. Now all I got to worry about is making it home to my family. You need to learn that gangs ain’t the way “so you may have heard.” First off, they don’t care about no one.
And about your family, try being you, not what they want you to be. Your father says you ain’t his daughter? Well my father doesn’t care about me either. My family’s Mexican and white but you know what? I don’t care if no one loves me. I’ll love myself. Think about what you want. The most important thing in life is you.
When you choose to join a gang, you choose to throw your life away. If you put your mind and heart in a goal, you can become anything you want. You know with me messing up my life to gangs, a lot of people feel that as soon as I return to society I’m going back to my old ways. First off, I’m not. I don’t do drugs no more. I ain’t going to turn to gangs. If I were, I might as well just come back to prison. But becoming successful is what I want and if neither my family nor friends or whoever don’t like me for me; then me loving me for me is all I need. So do yourself a favor. Don’t turn to gangs or wrong to feel a part of something cuz deep down I know that’s not who you are. Be yourself. Remember if you can learn to depend on you, then you have no need to depend on anyone else and if you believe then you can achieve. Oh I say that deep down inside that’s not who you are although I don’t know you, because from what I read, you’re only looking for love, attention and a place to feel free. But the place you need to look is within your heart.
Carlos G.
California
Hi there,
Look girl, you don’t have to prove anything to nobody but yourself. Look I have two brothers that are from a gang. I am too, but let me tell you how stupid it is because they always tell you, “Hey homie, no matter what you have to be down.” and “We have your back.” But that’s just a lie because look at me. My homegirls, they’re not here. They don’t even write me or get my calls. That’s some f…ed up shit, don’t you think? What about them? Are they down for me too or just when I’m out. That’s what you should think about, not if you should join in or no! Just remember, either it’s death or your life! What do you want to be? It’s what you want to be and what’s best for your life.
Take care and God bless you. I wish you the best in life. Think about what I have told you.
Becky
California
Should I join if it depends on staying alive in the ghetto city of LOS ANGELES? You don’t know how hard it is over here. If you don’t claim a click you dead cuz they know you don’t have no one to back you up. If I don’t join I would have no one to have my back so if I get into a problem in school I’ll have no one to get my back. The cholas don’t give a f... they’ll do anything to get you out their way
Tia
Tia:
Hi, there. I want you to know that I'm a gang member and it's not all it's cracked up to be!! To let you know, nobody really has your back except your family. Also, if you need somebody to have your back, that means you're getting into problems at school. Keep yourself away from those problems and you won't need anyone to have your back. Also, if you start banging, your gang's enemies will really start messing with you, so joining a gang will just bring more problems.
Sincerely - Samuel
California
To Tia,
If you think that you don’t have any other choice but to join a gang, because like you said, you live in the ghetto in LA., think again! I too have lived in the worst conditions possible in LA. I was a young kid when I decided to join a gang, not because I didn’t have other options, but because I thought it was the thing to do.
Maybe if you stay away from all those people, even if you have to humble yourself (There’s nothing wrong with that) in the long run you’ll see that all those tough people will only end up dead or in prison or with a bunch of fatherless kids. Now, if you want that for yourself, well then…? But I can tell that you don’t.
You don’t need a whole lot of so-called homeboys or homegirls to feel good. Try to find something you like to do. I believe that each of us has a gift within ourselves. It is only a matter of being brave and finding what it is.
In other words, what are you going to give the world, more grief or something worth having? Think about that for a moment. I know that each of us is different with different thoughts, but the results of our actions are pretty much the same. There are many people in here with me that went through the same I did. So don’t let yourself become a meaningless person as many of us have. Think big and find joy in small things that make you happy and mean a lot to you.
I am 27 now. I was 17 when I first came here. It has been a hard path, and for what? I don’t get help from any of my old homeboys or homegirls, not even a letter or a hello on the phone. It is real; I’m not making it up. I am in prison because of what I did for my barrio and now I see how stupid I was to even think my homeboys would always be there when I needed them - yeah right!
Like I’ve said, it has been ten years locked up now and if only I could get back to that time when I decided to become part of a gang, I wouldn’t have done it. Not to mention all the people I’ve hurt because of my actions.
Well Tia, I hope you’ll make the right choice for yourself, because at the end of the day, you are going to be the one to answer to all the bad choices you make. Is it worth it? Answer that to yourself. For now I’ll say good-bye.
With respect - G. Alvarado
California
Tia,
It sounds like your mind is almost already made up. Let me speak to the part that is still striving to make it out of the ghetto. What price will have to pay when you’re up to bat, when you decided to start going against what feels right fit you? I know you are in your truth, when you tell me how hard your life is. Know that I’m in my truth when I say how much harder life becomes once your actions, thoughts, and safety are dictated by those who will never love you as much as they love themselves - which leaves you cold, hungry, and betrayed.
Brian H.
California
I’m in middle school and my dad died last year on my birthday and it is really hard to cope with it and my brother and my mom does not want to have anything to do with me. I am also not the brightest kid in school. I am thinking about running away to live my boyfriend and join his gang but I am not sure if I want to be a part of that all of my life. What should I do? If you had a chance, would you join a gang again? What would you say was the hardest thing about being in a gang? Is it true that prison will make you break down?
Crystal
Dear Crystal:
First of all, let me tell you that I am locked up right now and also that I have a brother and a cousin that died last year, so I know what you're going through and I can answer your questions. If I had the chance, I would not join the gang again, because that sucks--all drama. I ran away when I was eleven and that was the worst decision I ever made in my life! That was the turning point in my life. I thought that running away would help. It only brought more problems. That's NOT the answer! When times get rough, think about the good times with your dad. (That helps me).
Sincerely - Samuel
California
Dear Crystal:
I am a volunteer at a California Youth Correctional Facility, and my Bible study group chose your question to discuss, because they were concerned that you might do some things that could ruin your life. First we want to send our condolences to you and your family at the loss of your dad. It may be very hard for you to celebrate your birthday without memories of your dad coming back.
That's OK, Crystal. Feelings aren't good or bad, they just are, so allow yourself to feel them. I also can relate to what you're going through, because my husband died 6 years ago and my daughter and son and I had a really hard time dealing with it. I wonder if your mom and brother are going through their own grief and just aren't able to be there for you right now. It helped my kids and me to be able to talk to each other and to friends and family about their dad and about how we were feeling. If mom and brother won't talk to you, maybe a pastor at church, or a counselor or teacher at school could help. It's like a roller coaster of emotions, isn't it? And sometimes in their anger and sadness over the loss, people can act out in ways that can be pretty self-destructive, like running away, dropping out of school, joining gangs, using drugs or alcohol to "numb out" from the pain they're feeling.
The guys in my class say that once you get into a gang, it's not that easy to get out. Not to mention that girls aren't exactly treated like ladies when they're members of the gang. You'll kind of become "property" of the homies, and according to the gang members you WILL be expected to do whatever they ask--criminally, or sexually. One said "it's mandatory". There are females at the institution my group is at, and many of them are in there because they got caught up in stuff with their boyfriends and ended up doing the same time. California laws require mandatory minimum sentences that are no joke. You're worth more than that, mija. Think about what your dad would have wanted for you, Crystal, and live the kind of life that would make him proud. God bless you from all of us.
"Jailmom"
California
Dear Crystal,
Well I think that if I knew before I joined a gang what I know now, of course I wouldn’t join in again. But that is impossible; once you have made bad choices they’re there to stay. Also, the hardest thing about being in a gang was being in constant alert for other rival gangs. If you are not ready, well you can either get killed or seriously beat up.
I can only speak from my own personal view, but yes I think prison can break you down mentally as well as physically especially if you have goals in life. Let me tell you, I’ve been in here for ten years and for me there’s no such thing as getting used to this life. (It sucks).
I also ran away from my house when I was sixteen and it has a big mistake I saw so much violence. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Now I am 27 years old. I can’t say I have a clear direction in my life but I am trying to keep going forward. So, you see, the choices you make now will affect you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be part of that type of life, don’t be. Ask for help. You’d be surprised that some people other than your relatives actually do care. If not, why do you think I am taking the time to write this down? I have a thirteen year old sister that I haven’t seen in so many years. I really don’t know what I am gonna talk about with her when I finally see her. My point is: don’t waste your life in something most likely will be a big mistake. The life inside these walls is not a playground. You have others telling you what to do and when to come out of your cell.
I am sorry you’re dad passed away, but if he means so much to you, use that love you have for his memory to grow strong, and remember things that are worthwhile don’t come easy. Ask for help. Don’t think about it too much, cause even us in here would help if we could.
Don’t worry about it too much whether you are or are not the brightest kid in the school. Great people have also had problems in school, but that didn’t stop them from becoming part of history.
You know, if you need help, ask for it. Maybe your teacher or a relative will give you the guidance you need. Just don’t be afraid to ask. You are so young and things probably seen hard as hell. Listen to that part of you that tells you this gang thing is not what to really want to be part of. Well for right now I’m going to say goodbye. But if you have any more questions you can send them to this web site. Good luck and be strong for your own sake.
G. Alvarado
California
Dear Crystal,
I just read your letter. You asked some real good questions Crystal. My name is Rick. I have been in prison for sixteen years. I’m doing life for some pretty bad stuff I did. I was in a gang (motorcycle gang). The question you asked that caught my attention was, “If you had a chance, would you join a gang again”?
I am sitting in a place where I can spend a lot of time looking back at what I did and where I have been. I know that most of the real stupid things I did, I did so the gang would look up to me. I would give anything to be able to do it all over so I could do it right this time. I know that I would not join a gang…
I still haven’t seen how it was ever a good thing to do. I want to think it wasn’t all a waste of time; however, I feel it was just that. I thought I could find a place to fit in, you know, kind of like a family or something, but it wasn’t like that at all. Instead, what I got was a whole new set of rules to live by. They were not even rules I agreed with. I just went along with them because that was what I was supposed to do.
I look back at my life and see how I hurt so many people. That is the worst part to me. I didn’t care back then. I do not like knowing that about myself. I like to think I am a good person, but if I can do the stuff I did, then I have to face the fact that at that point in my life, I was far from being a good person.
As for the question of “Does prison break you down,” well Crystal some it does, and some it just makes worse. I don’t know how to answer that one because it is different for every one. I have watched tough guys get broke in here, and I have seen scared weak kids turn into monsters. So I guess it just depends on the person.
In your letter, you said that your mom and brother do not want to have anything to do with you. I wonder what makes you feel that way? Have you told your mom how you feel about that? Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying it’s not true. I am just wondering if your mom knows how you feel, or is she even knows you feel that way about her. What’s the risk of telling her?
You also said you’re not the brightest kid in school. So I got to ask Crystal, who told you that? Or did you just wake up one day and decide, “Hey, I’m dumb”? I mean, I read your letter and the questions you asked were not asked by someone that is not pretty bright.
As for running away and joining your boyfriend’s gang, if you’re not sure you want to live rest of your life like that, that should be a pretty good sign to you that you don’t want to get caught up in that shit. Try to remember, Crystal that getting in is A LOT easier than getting out. And once you’re an, you no longer get to decide what you can do and what you can’t do. That is decided by the gang, not you. I thought when I joined the gang I would have a lot more freedom. It didn’t work out that way at all.
You know Crystal, this is one of them things that only you can decide to do. You will join if you want to, or you will decide that you don’t want to get locked into that shit. However, the choices is all yours. I sure hope you use your head on this one. This one is a big one. You can do a lot of damage to your life right here. I hope you pay attention to that part of you that don’t know if you want to be a part of that life. You’re young, Crystal; you still have a lot of life to live. I hope you are the one that decides how to live it.
Best wishes,
A gang member with a lot of regrets and a lot of time to do in prison…
Rick M.
California
Crystal,
You’re a lot brighter than you give yourself credit for. You have to be to be still standing on your own weighing your options and considering what the long haul looks like. I hope you don’t become so desperate you choose the path of violence, self-sacrifice, and prison to do someone else’s bidding over your own freedom, both of thought and life - those will be the first two things you lose before losing your own identity. Stay focused Crystal. If you find yourself facing questions you're not sure how to answer, try to imagine having a daughter being faced with those questions. What would you want for her?
Brian H.
California
Lately I have really been thinking bout joining a gang. I personally like the bad attitude style. The thing is like 1/3 of my guy friends say I wont even last 10 days. They said I will get shot or even killed. I know gangs can be dangerous but I feel like I belong when I hang out with people in them. My dad left me when I was 5 and he just came back in my life and I just found out why. He was in prison for almost killing a guy. I'm only 13 but it kind of runs in my blood. I get mad easily and can get really violent. I have a lot of dreams in my life, like I wanna be a lawyer.. and own my own mechanic shop. If I did join would it ruin my life? Right now my life couldn't get any worse cause my step-dad cheated on my mom and left my family for my best friend’s mom. My friends who are in gangs have been there for me this whole time. What should I do??
First of all, let’s get it out of your head that being in a gang or wanting to be in a gang runs in the blood. You’re not a slave to your parent’s actions. You have been, however, influenced by your environment. I am sure that at your young age of 13 years, you have seen too many of your friends die too soon due to hanging out with their gang. With your father having spent so many years in prison, you should know that you joining a gang will go directly against your dreams of a good future and the things you want to do when you get older. Do not join any gang. Anyone can get mad and act violent. Just because you’re experiencing these feelings, it does not mean that in a gang you belong. It just means that you must exercise more self-control over your actions. If you let everything which makes you upset make you act out in violence, you’ll have yourself a short life and accomplish nothing! You want to be a lawyer? We’ll get it get into studying Laws and Rights of people. Find out which laws your father was convicted of violating and why he was given the sentence he served. Even you at the age of thirteen, you are expected to obey and follow the laws, rules, and regulations set forth by society, so why don’t you go find out what those are and what sort of trouble you may be subject to face if you violate those laws. If it is a mechanic shop you someday want to own, there are laws, rules, and regulations you must follow and requirements you must meet as well. You’re only thirteen years old now. Think of where you want to be at the age of 23 or even 33. Give yourself the best chance possible that having a good life, of having a long and fruitful life.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Luis D.
New Jersey
Dear friend:
I'm so glad that you had the courage to ask for advice during this hard and difficult time that you're facing. Many people unwisely don't seek this kind of help because of their stubborn and foolish pride. In your question, you mention many excuses that compel you to join a gang, yet they are no reason to do such a disastrous decision against your life and family. I also had all the excuses, and perhaps even more, and I foolishly chose to join a gang at the age of 12. Now, I'm buried alive in a prison cell, with four life sentences for my fatal choice. I can tell you from experience not to take this route, no matter what the circumstances in your life may be. Don't make it harder on yourself and your mom. If you know the consequences of gang life, why would you want to increase your mother's suffering through them? Think about it, who do you love most, your mom or your gang friends? Your choice will expose the truth. You owe your friends nothing, regardless of their kindness to you. Them being there for you was only their duty as friends.
I hope you and your dad develop a good relationship after so many years, and hopefully prison life has softened his heart instead of hardening it. Learn from his mistakes and avoid the needless suffering. Invest your time on God, your mom, and of course, your dreams. Make those dreams a reality, with God's help and your perseverance. All things are possible through Christ who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13)! Work towards these goals and you will get there. You can't get there quick and you can't get there without effort.
It's unfortunate to hear about what happened with your step-dad. I'm sorry that you both are experiencing this heartache right now. I've also experienced a similar heartache, but thanks to God, I have forgiven and with Jesus in my life, have moved on. God can take your painful times and put purpose in them. He can take your hand and see you through it. God loves you and He wants to comfort you if only you let Him into your heart, mind and life.
Thank you for your question and time. Remember that through the Bible, God speaks to you, and through your prayers, you speak to God. God bless you and your family, and may you all come to know Him personally through His Son, Jesus Christ.
P.S. "The greatest fear we have is to be abandoned, the greatest need we have is to belong." Now listen to what the Bible says: "Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5b) READ YOUR BIBLE! Matthew 11:28-30
In His love, Al
California
I am only 13 years old. I was thinking should I join a gang becuz I don’t really get any love at my house. A lot of people tell me to leave them alone and for me to die and I just have lot of problems my ex-boyfriend sometimes goes crazy and tries to kill his self and shit and I get scared. And I think if I do join one I will have someone to care for me and I won’t be so lonely. I’m not doing good in school. My mom wants to send me to boot-camp and I don’t want to. Da cop in school always check on me and they already took my phone cuz they think it will change the way I am. Well this is how I feel what should I do?
Ashley
Dear Ashley,
Your 13, going on 30! I understand your every thought, your every grief. I used to be that boyfriend of yours. Now 23 years later I'm repaying my dept to society, because I held all that anger and frustration in. Scared to trust one of those teachers or even a cop, I took what problems I had and made them everyone else's. Fifteen years in the bing, no more drugs, booze, or rippin and runnin like I used to. Now it’s all so clear what I should have done and when. The only shame in life is the shame a person carries secretly and painfully from regret. If you think for a moment you'll look back and wish you'd done some things different, you will. Ask now for the things you feel you need. There's no shame in that. If it’s a hug you need, someone to listen to you, or advice on your troubles, don’t shy away from the urge to seek it. That's when you’re most alone in this world. It's painful and it hurts. It's one of those things we need not have in common. Take care Ashley.
Michael.
New Jersey
Hi Ashley,
Well first of all Happy Birthday ? and about your problems at home, well I’ve met a lot of people who don’t get any love at home and turn to a gang. Also, don’t let these people who probably have miserable lives bring your spirit down because a person who is stupid enough to tell a 13 year old to die is probably miserable. And don’t let your ex-boyfriend scare you because that’s probably his way of asking you for help even tough he doesn’t know it himself. And if all the stuff that you’re going through right now is making you think that the only people who care about you are your homeboys, well that’s where you’re wrong because, believe it or not, there “is” a few people in the world who care. All you gotta do is keep your eyes open. Besides my family and some of my homeboys, I have met 2 or 3 people who really care about people like me and you, so don’t give up hope. There are lots of ways that you can get love but please don’t turn to a gang. This may sound stupid to you, but you can always go to church and I know for sure you’ll find love there, or you could go to programs for teens. I’ve never heard of any but I’m 100% sure that there are some around where you live. If you go to a program for teens, you can get help on your homework and it might help you get better grades in school. If your friends were true friends, then they would give you love even if you’re not part of their gang. And don’t worry about the cops at school. If you don’t have anything that can get you in trouble, then you don’t have to worry about anything. And if you don’t want the cops to check up on you, then all you have to do is not be part of the gang lifestyle. I know for a person in your situation, it would be pretty hard not to want to be in a gang but think really hard about your future.
I have been kicking it with my gang since I was 12 and I didn’t really start banging it until I was 14 or 15. I didn’t really have to join because all my homies gave me love anyways, but I still joined because I wanted some excitement. I got some excitement alright! When I was 13 my cousin got shot in the head twice and once in the stomach by some rival gang while he was sitting in the passenger seat and I was sitting in the back. I got to witness that because I wanted to be in a gang. I was only 13 years old and I still can’t forget that day. That was the first time I have ever really seen anybody die.
I got locked up when I was 13 or 14; I can’t remember, but that’s too young. I just did a couple of days and got out. Once I got out, I got locked up again and did a month and a half. Then I got out and got locked up again and did 2 months and got out. Then I got locked up again and that’s when I really started to bang my neighborhood. I remember one day when I was walking home from school, a car passed by and I recognized two of them as rival gang members and I didn’t have anything to protect myself, so I ran into a back yard and onto another street. I thought that I had lost them, when suddenly I heard three gun shots and saw a bullet go right through a window of a car next to me, and I realized that they followed me on foot. So I ducked and started running with my head down. While I was running, I was thinking to myself that this might be the way I’m gonna die. I thought I was gonna get blasted for sure, but people came out with the phone right next to their ear and the guys who were shooting
at me ran back the way they followed me from - all that because of gangs!
Well, like 4 days later I got locked up again and did four months. The whole time I was worried about fighting, because if you get into fights with your rivals, there’s an 80% chance that you’ll get more time. But luckily I never did get more time for anything. Then I got out and I was out for three months. I got really heavy into drugs and I would steal cars and sell the car parts to anybody who was interested. Soon, the gang unit caught up to me and they locked me up again. I’m doing a year now because I decided to join a gang.
Now I ask you to please think hard about the decisions you make. There is only a few people in this world who care about people like me and you and I’m one of them, because if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be responding to your question. And remember, if you aim at the moon and miss, don’t give up hope because you might just land on a star. I don’t want to see a young person like you who still has a chance to mess everything up just because of a gang. Enjoy your teenage years, because they’re the best years. I’ve been locked up for a lot of my teenage years. I’m still a teenager, but I’m not enjoying them like I’m supposed to. I’m sixteen doing a year, and next time I get locked up I’m sure I won’t be doing a year. The words that came from my judge’s youth were, “Next time I see you in my courtroom, I’m gonna have strong thoughts about sending you to YA (the state prison for youth). Every time I get locked up, it just adds more years over my head. Don’t mess up the way I have. So whenever you feel down, just read what I wrote to you and ask more questions if you want to. Just don’t make the same decisions that I did, because so far, a guy like me is still looking for a future.
Eli
California
Ashley,
Getting involved with gangs is not a really smart thing to do at all. Gangs are very violent and you’re so young. You don’t know what you’d be getting yourself into. You might end up doing life in prison or 6 feet under, which means dead. My brother gangbangs and all he does is watch his back. How boring can that be. You would also have to watch out for your family cause enemies would do anything to get back at you. As for your mom, she just wants the best for you. She punishes because she cares. I wish my mom would of punished me when I was younger so in that way I wouldn’t of turned out the way I am. Trust me; you’ll regret it at the end just like me and my brother. My brother wishes he can leave the gang. Life is tough as a gangster. So stay focused in school because now I’m 17 years old about to turn 18 and barely a 10th grader, which is not good for me. I missed a lot of school. I wish I could go back. Keep yourself away from them thugs.
Always – Maria
California
Ashley,
First off, don’t feel you are all alone in your inner struggles. Most of us, young and old, go through a kind of inner war too. We want to feel loved, respected, and appreciated by others, and especially our own parents. Unfortunately this is not what we sometimes received.
This is not to say that you don’t deserve these things (you do). Our parents at times are too caught up in their own problems to see that their children need their attention guidance and love.
I’m going to share a lil bit of my own struggles with you so you can see that I was also once in a place of confusion and ambivalence. I came to live with my mother in California when I was 14 years old. My mom left me with my grandparents to come to this country when I was barely 1 ½ years old. I got all I needed from my grandparents, but there was something amiss in my life that I later realized was my parents’ influence and love. My mother was thousands of miles away, and I only communicated with her via letters or phone. My father, well I only used to see him here and there. He didn’t play a big role in my life.
I longed to be close to my mother for all those years we were apart. When I finally moved to California to live with her, her husband, and my two sisters, I was overjoyed. This sense of contentment didn’t last long. All those years I waited, yearning to reunite with my mother didn’t prepare me to face the fact that life was not going to be how I envisioned it. I didn’t fit well with my new family and surroundings. I felt inadequate, unloved, unwanted. I didn’t know how to relate all these feelings to those in care of me. I felt it was me against them.
As a result, I became distant and uncaring – at home and at school. At school I started to do very poorly in my studies. At home, I became indifferent to my middle sister, something I greatly regret. I could say that all these things, mainly going on inside of me, led me to join a gang. I admit it – they did have a part in my decision of getting involved with gangs. But you know what Ashley? I made the worst choice ever by doing so.
There are other things I could have done. There are other people who truly care about what happens to us. We have to look hard. Joining a gang didn’t give me what I was looking for. It only added more pain to my young mind. I didn’t find love nor respect. All I found in the gang was kids acting tough, when in reality they were still yearning for someone to care for them. I got deep in the game. My mom tried to help me and be more attentive to my needs, but by then I was sixteen. I ran away from home. I lived with my homeboys here and there. I witnessed so much violence. All this only made me feel more hopeless and useless. At seventeen, I got in deep, deep trouble. I’ve been in jail since then. I am now 29 years old. I too was looking for someone to care for me, but I knocked on the wrong doors. My so-called homeboys don’t care about me. I stand on my own two feet now.
Be careful who you befriend Ashley. Getting in a gang is not a solution but an added problem. You don’t need to go through all this mess to feel a sense of value and the meaning in your life.
Love yourself. Remember, you are a unique girl. Don’t worry too much about any of those senseless people who told you to die. They’re probably too dumb to understand that their words can hurt people. I believe we all have a gift to give our world. We only need to look for it within ourselves. Try to find friends who are going to be honest and respectful with you, and of course, you have to do the same for them.
Keep a journal. It helps me to find answers sometimes. Always remember that you matter a lot because one day, you yourself might help someone in need as well. If you throw your life away by being part of a gang, many bad things could happen to you. Take it from someone who has felt the way you do. Take a moment to ask yourself: Is it worth it? Believe me; it’s not! You can write to this site any time you want. Many blessings and wishes of happiness.
A friend – G. Alvarado
California
Ashley:
You're not alone with the problems you have. There's a lot of people with the same problems. So many people have been through these things. Like me, I didn't experience a lot of love or attention when I was young, because my mother and father always worked. But that didn't mean they didn't love me. The very fact that they worked showed me that they cared about me, because it was through their hard work that I was clothed and ate.
But I never knew how much I was loved, because I never spoke to my mom about it. Now that I am older, and able to communicate with my Mom and Dad, I express to them how much I care about them. I also listen as they express how much they care about me.
My point is that although they don't tell you how much they love you, that doesn't mean they don't. Do they tell you not to hang around certain people? Do they tell you they want you in the house by a certain time? The very fact that they look out for you proves they love you. They even bought you a phone. What parent buys their child a phone and doesn't love them?
Joining a gang will make you lonely, because being in a gang means you will have enemies. Having enemies means you will have to fight or kill each other. The end result will be you will end up in jail. You REALLY will be lonely then.
Speak to your mom. She can help you. Let her know how you feel. Give her a chance. You know what? God calls us to honor our father and mother (Matthew 15:4). Why? Because they look out for our best, even though it means you suffer a little bit.
I hope it works out for you. I'll pray for you. By the way, I hope you had a Happy Birthday!
In Christ - Eddy
California
Ashley,
Things might be getting hectic and lonely, but believe it, the people of the gang won’t love you; they’ll only hurt you and use you. You’ll be making things worse by joining them. The same person that will act cool with you today will hurt you tomorrow. They can’t find answers themselves. Do you really thing they have love? They are in danger every day. Believe me that’s not love, and if it comes down to it, they’ll even betray and kill one of their own. That is what gangs are really about. Think about it, how scared you get when your ex-boyfriend tries to kill himself. Well gang members get killed; they are targets for death.
When it seems as if people don’t care, or want to hear you, don’t let that make you feel like you have to make bad choices. Well they want to do the boot camp thing with you? I’ve been on the same spotlight, but listen, this is the time for you to straighten up at school and try to get the best grades as possible along with good behavior. That will make your parents and family look at you differently, and change their attitudes. The boot camp threat is just that, a warning. Start doing good right now so you can avoid that and other bad things. You have to prove yourself to be a responsible person by working hard at school. You’ll make your family glad with you and things will change for the good. Be sure to complete all your homework and study fir each and obey whatever your parents tell you to do. You’ll see how things will change.
Ashley, you are very young, but you are a young lady now and things are hard. Maybe people seem like they shine you off, but instead of joining a gang, join a Christian church. There you will find the love you need and you’ll even be able to help your ex-boyfriend. Talk to a pastor or any person you know who is Christian. Look, you have always have someone to care for you, “GOD.” You might think He is far away in heaven only, but he is around us when we let him. Pray. Believe me, He’ll answer you and take you out from those problems. He’ll never ignore you. His love is for real and never ends. Just think, Jesus Christ came to earth and died on a cross so you wouldn’t have to suffer. Certain things might seem cool, things your friends might do and try to get you to be a part of, but they will just make things worse. They are all just traps. You know what things they are because you are old enough to know. Be careful and think about the consequences.
God wants you to call upon Him, so He can help you. He’ll give you all the love you need. Just try it. Here are some verses from the Bible, God’s word, that explain a lot, like thinking some things are good but in reality they are bad, trusting in God and knowing His word can save us from all your problems, and we’ll even get to be in heaven with Him. It starts now. He’ll reveal himself to and let know Himself what to do. We just have to make the effort of getting to know Him. He’ll never shine you off. He’s waiting on you. You’ll see He’ll make things better for you.
Proverbs 14:12 “There is a way which seemeth right onto a man, but in the end there of are the ways of death.”
John 14:1 “Let not your heart be troubled, ye believe in God, believe also in me.”
Acts 16:31 “And they said, believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved and thy house.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
Matthew 5:2-5 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”
G.
California
My man is a member of a large black gang and he’s going to court real soon. The thing is that he keeps selling and I’m afraid that he’s gonna get caught which will put him in jail for longer if he gets convicted. I love him so much and he loves me but the thing is he won’t slow down or lay low for a minute. I don’t know what to do. I mean I don’t want to lose him or anything. I feel like the only way for me to not lose him is by becoming a member of his gang but I don’t know what to do. Please help me. Thank you.
Brittany
Dear Brittany,
I'm not sure but you sound relatively young. What your boyfriend needs to know is that the "PEN" is full of young brothas who've left their ladies out there. No matter how gangsta or thug we are, when its count time we're all caught up in what we had. Ask him who he'd rather humble himself for you, or the "Jake". While you may hold the keys to his heart, "Jake" has the key's to the gate. Tell him # ------ is missin his shorty, and there's not a thing he can do about it. No matter what, you can't get that kinda love from no homey.
Michael
New Jersey
Dear Brittany,
You said you think the only way not to lose your man is by joining a gang. You said he is going to court soon and you are afraid he will continue selling and go to jail. If he is going to continue doing that and winds up in jail, you joining a gang will not help that. One result is that you can wind up in jail yourself by joining a gang. That certainly would not help either of you and the result of him going to jail will not change. Joining a gang doesn't help your man, it just puts him in the same messed up situation you are in now. Now if you join a gang he can start worrying about losing you by you going to jail.
If you don't want to lose your man by him going to prison, the only thing you can tell him is that anyone who sells damps as a livelihood usually ends up either dead on in prison as do all criminals. I doubt if one out of 10 million have died peacefully at home as an old man with grandchildren and after accomplishing everything he wanted in life. He is really setting you up to lose him if he continues. I put plenty of women through the same kid of grief. I knew what I was doing was wrong when I was doing it and didn't think or care. If one of those women had said what I just wrote about I might have thought about it and changed rather than continuing on my selfish ways. I know it was totally wrong. I feel terrible about it but can't undo it.
I hope you think a lot before you go down a road that is hard to get out of. In closing, I'll say if a woman gave me an ultimatum back then of choosing either my life as I wanted it or her, I probably would have changed for one I really cared about. Please don't make a move without thinking about the consequences.
Sincerely - Allen R.
New Jersey
Brittany,
There’s always ways to make things better, and there’s ways of making things worse. Believe me, by joining a gang, you’ll only make things worse for yourself. You love your man, right? But how much love do you have for yourself? Enough not to sink to a low level? Your man is not the only one who loves you. You might not acknowledge the fact that God loves you enogh that He gave His life for you on a cross. Now is the time to act on love, do the best possible, encourage your man to get involved in hob training programs and education, even by doing it yourself. By doing so, you’ll let him see how easy money comes when you work for it and without the consequences of danger and jail. Then maybe you can even move out of your neighborhood and have better things.
The resources are there. Just start by going to the Unemployment Office and asking for county or state resources on job training or education. You can even ask a counselor at school. Then you can take yourself away from all that drama, and if your man’s smart enough, he’ll do the same.
The gangs, the hood, the dealing, all that just brings suffering and bad consequences. Just ask your man how he likes it in jail. There’s better ways to live and have what you need. Have you even given God a chance? Even though His throne is in heaven, He’ll be with you and all around you. All you have to do is call upon Him. Most people have had lives or situations because theey fail to acknowledge God and think He is only a million miles away, but if you let Him, He’ll reveal Himself to you. All those other ways of getting money are just traps. Just take a look at the consequences, jail or death! Makes sense, right? All those things are evil. How can you know? Well, by the consequences they bring! Look, whenever a person cannot find answers, all you have to do is pray and read the Bible. The Word of God gives you all the answers, and God givew you the strength to walk it out and live it. Check out these verses from the Bible and see how they apply to your situation. For every question there is an answer and a way out, a better way. Those temptations might seem like the answer but theya re evil traps put there by someone. That someone is the devil and he is a murderer. You ever wonder why young people join gangs and get killed young? Well check out what Jesus said about it in these verses. He calls the devil a thief, because he steals happiness, peace, lives, families, and is a murderer. You know how crazy things get in a gang lifestyle, but like I mentioned it is a trap. Don’t fall into it!! Stay strong, don’t follow the path that the other people have taken and fallen by.
Jeremiah: 17:11 As the partridge sitteth on eggs and hatcheth them not, SO HE THAT GETTETH RICHES, AND NOT BY RIGHT, SHALL LEAVE THEM IN THE MIDST OF HIS DAYS, AND AT HIS END SHALL BE A FOOL.
Proverbs 13:11 Wealth gotten by vanity shall be diminished, but he that gathereth by labor shall increase.
Proverbs 5:13-14 There is a sore evil which I have seen under the sun, namely, riches kept for owners thereof to their hurt. But if those riches perish by evil work and he begetteth a son and there is nothing in his hand.
John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but to steal and to kill and to destroy. I come that they might have life and that they might have it more abundantly.
Matthew 5:2 Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Proverbs 11: 4-5 Riches profit not in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivereth from death. The righteousness of the perfect shall direct his ways but the transgressor shall fall by his own wickedness.
Acts 16:31 And they said, believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shall be saved, and thy house.
Peace of Christ – G.
California
Look I’m 15 years old. I mostly talk to one gang and hang out with them. My boyfriend I would say he’s an ex-member. There’s been times when I start thinking about joining in but my boyfriend tells me not to. I mostly want to join in because at home I have a lot of problems with my mom all the time and I want to feel how is it to be in a gang? What would you guyz advise me? I have another question when you guyz had a bunch of problems and sometimes you felt like crying but you couldn’t how you guyz did it to overcome it - when there’s something really deep in you that is bringing you down every time
Mayra
Dear Mayra,
Interesting comments in your letter. It strikes me as most effective if I work my responses backwards, beginning with your last question first. The only thing that causes me to suffer to the extent I want to cry is that I didn't listen to that little voice in the back of my mind sooner. It told me when I was being selfish, hard headed, or just plain old wrong. I never listened to that voice even when it shouted at me.
No problem is too big for a mom. Believe it or not, she's seen it all before. Done it all too. When we're young we tend to think moms and pops just don't understand. That’s usually because we haven't tried to explain our seemingly complicated lives as well as we could. Moms understands whatever language you choose to speak to her in. You just have to choose to want a better life that includes her. Instead of showing our family how tough we are, we sometimes have to show them how vulnerable we feel. Moms will give you what you need freely and unconditionally the minute you stop acting like you don't need it!
Love, Peace, & Understanding Mayra - Michael.
New Jersey
To Mayra:
It seems like you should listen to your boyfriend's advice on this question of gangs. Your boyfriend, who was in a gang, knows what it is like not to be able to go to certain places because of the rival gangs who will be there, or even more problems that you get from being in a gang.
Being in a gang doesn't make things go away, nor does it make it easier. It creates new problems and brings pain to relatives. If you're having problems with your mom, maybe you should tell her what the problem is. It could be that she doesn't even realize there's a problem. It is very difficult to pay the bills and keep the house in order.
Look, when I had problems and didn't know how to handle them, I would refuse to cry or talk to anybody about them. But you know what happened to me, it made it real difficult for me to show emotions, making it hard for the people I said I loved. They didn't know how I really felt. I lost a lot of good friends because of it.
God has helped me not to run from things, but to face them. He has also helped me to understand that it is OK to cry. Jesus cried (John 11:35).
Your friend in Christ - Eddy
California
Mayra,
I hope you are doing good. Let me share with you that you will not solve any of your problems by joining a gang. You will only add more sorrow and trouble to your family. Joining a gang is like digging a grave for yourself or someone in your family. Imagine being a walking target everywhere you go and then bringing danger to your home. Instead of joining and making things worse, try making them better. You’ll worry, panic, and even bring shame to your family. Instead of doing that, think of how you can make your family proud of you. Set goals for yourself that you know will make your parents proud, and by doing so you’ll make them happy, believe me when you make accomplishments, they’ll treat you differently and respect you, but you have to pull yourself out of the surrounding of gang members. They’ll keep you down.
Just take a look at the older gangsters. What do they have going for themselves? Nothing! It might seem like something, but in reality it is not. They themselves don’t know what to do with their own lives, so they make the worse of it. Imagine yourself on graduation day, going away to a good college. Imagine how proud your parents will be, and they’ll even brag about you to other people, how much you study, work and behave yourself.
These days you have to start acting as an adult early in life. The resources are all there for you. All you have to do is ask your counselor at school to set you up with classes that will lead you to college and apply yourself to them. Don’t close yourself in to your surroundings. Look ahead. Those people you know won’t always be around you, so make things better for yourself and your family. Would you rather be a success like I mentioned and have good things going for yourself in the future? I don’t think you want to end up like a drug addict or jail bird. Think. Which will you choose, the good path and good tings or the paths that seem cool but really bring bad things. Look Mayra, whenever you feel down and think you don’t have a shoulder to cry on, to let go of all that’s inside, there’s always someone there. All you have to do is call upon Him. He listens. People think about God as being far away and just letting things happen, good and bad, but in reality He is here waiting on you to call upon Him. Tell Him everything. He’ll make things better for you. Just let him know what’s troubling you. He’s better than talking to a person because He can make changes and bless you. As for me, when it seems like I don’t have no one to talk to or trust in, I call upon Him, Jesus Christ, and believe me, He answers. I could be making things worse because I’m in prison, and be heavy into gangs, but He has made a way for me not to, takes care of everything I need and my loved ones. I know you’re young and you have many temptations, but believe me, God doesn’t want the bad things for you. We let them happen when we ignore God, like if He’s a million miles away from us. Even thought He rules from heaven, you can see everyday that He is with us when you see Christian people feeding the hungry in poor countries, when people survive deadly accidents, when par turns into peace, when the hardest craziest person turns his life around to God. You know God’s around. But it is up to us to let Him in our lives. Here are some verses from the Bible (God’s word). See how they relate. Try reading the Bible for yourself. It warns you about everything you can possibly think of or not even know. Cry unto Him. Find a place where you can be alone in prayer with Him. Tell Him your problems and how you’re thinking about the gang. Ask Him to give you a way out and to make Himself know to you. Believe me, He will, and it’ll be the best thing you ever did.
Matthew 11:29 “Come to me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am me
